(tomorrow, I promise!!!! A happier post. It's the new blog purge phase.)
HE: Photos to follow....although I have been saying that for a while now about a few things eh? I'm not trying to be rude ya know, it's just one of a hundred things that I have on my plate at the moment.
ME: I didn't think you were being rude, but I was having a hard time adjusting
to shallow Matt who only wrote to tell me how hungover he was.HE: Dunno what it has been with the shallow emails, they have actually been bugging me.....
The last few weeks have been a bit slow at work, which sucks a bit, but yesterday was balls to the wall, flat out, and today has the potential to be the same. Nice. I also realised yesterday that I can touch type, and it is quicker than when I look at the keys. That is so cool.Wow. That was very enlightening, don't you think? Thank you.
I don't know this person. I don't know what he's going to say when he comes back from his weekend. I'm presuming he's going to put some thought into it because even if he doesn't - it's time for him to face this. Whatever IT is. I have no idea if it's heartache or indifference.
I don't even know how to articulate it but he went from,
"I can't feel this and it frightens me." to
"I experience feelings differently from everyone else and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it." in the space of three weeks in January and ever since... these emails.
Someone wiser than I and a little gentler said this to me today...
I believe with all of my heart that what the two of you had, while you had it, was real, honest, true and meaningful. I only mean that it seems once he made the choice he made, he's pulled back so far he has grown to be too shallow to care. He's making zero effort to redeem himself, even after being called out. Even after admitting it himself. I don't know how people can segment themselves that way.
And you know, I think she's right. I want her to be right but, in the end, all it means to me is that he didn't love me enough to keep me.
I can believe he loved me. I can
know it.
But that doesn't change the *now*.
For me, the *now* can and will change the *then*.
And maybe, I'm beginning to think, that once I stop believing in the *then*, then I've lost something forever I fought so hard to gain and that, right now, it feels like I'll never have the heart to fight for again.