High School Jen is (Unfortunately) Alive And (Has Started) Kicking (Back) 

Friday, June 24, 2005 at 04:58PM
Jen

I've learned some things about myself and my self-esteem this week. Right now, I'm only going to tell you about one of them and later, I'll tell you the other one because right now, I'm just too lazy to spend the time to do both.

You know how you think that things (people) will change after high school? That somehow all those hurtful girls and callous boys will just suddenly grow up because those tactics just won't work in the 'real world'?

Well, I always did. And today I had a utter stop-in-the-middle-of-road-in-shock epiphany.

Deep down inside, I'm still that girl in high school and one of the reasons that I wanted everyone to grow up so badly is because I wanted to be able to GROW PAST HER. Grow past that scared girl and learn how to handle myself, to learn how to not let callous and shitty people hurt me, to learn how to think fast and defend myself effectively.

(And don't give me that crap about... no one hurts you unless you let them ... and don't get me started on what I think about that whole self-help movement about .. it's their issues, it's not about you... because the Jen? she's all about feelings and if you're hurtful to other people because YOU have issues? that's an excuse, that's failure to take responsibility and this world shouldn't tolerate it, much less excuse it)

(no really, see? it won't be pretty)

The reason I've been living under this delusion for so long is that because, for me, growing past that girl would be forward and good progress, it would be making myself a better person. I didn't start out bad and I would end up even better because then my life would be easier and happier and less full of self-doubt and self-recriminations that have no real basis in fact.

But... those people who were deliberately cruel to others? The bullies? The bitches who ruled the cliques by fear? Why on earth would they feel any need to make themselves better when being complete assholes works so well for them? Obviously those kind of people are lower on the intelligence scale because, well, in the first place - they can't fathom how utterly pathetic they are. (Sadly, they seem to be running the world, so maybe that makes us the stupid ones.)

Besides, the world doesn't punish the bad people. There is no daily fires-of-hell-moment for those who have no conscience and no moral responsibility. They're all sleeping quite well at night in their self-absorbed and nasty beds, thankyouverymuch.

And, FURTHERMORE..... I think you're getting my point here, right?

Mostly, I'm still paralyzed by hateful, hurtful people. Mostly, I take the higher road and tell myself that there's nothing to be gained by trying to fight back. Except... today...

Someone asked me if I'd been off on sick time or vacation while I recovered and I answered that I had been on sick time.

Now, picture those utter ****s in high school that would stand five or ten feet away and say horrible things about you because they knew you could hear them but "they weren't talking to you" and "how dare you eavesdrop" and "what's your problem?" Remember them?

This 40ish year old woman today then went back to her table and sat there loudly opinionating that "It's just utterly disgusting that SOME people would actually think it's okay to use sick time so they could make themselves less ugly."

First, it dawned on me that with the partial cast and black eyes and in the absence of being able to see the rest of the bruising, that to an idiot, I probably look quite a bit like I've had a nose job.

Secondly, I jumped right off the bridge up there on the high road, landing with nary a bump on that beautiful low road, sauntered over to their table, looked that high school bully right in the eye and said...

"Actually, I was in a car accident and part of my face was shattered. Now that you mention it though, if that's really the policy, you might want to take full advantage of it pronto for all the work you look like you need. I'd start with liposuction."

And I turned around and walked away.

And she wasn't even that big and I've never said anything so hateful to a stranger in all of my 35 years on this earth. And I'm kind of sorry.

BUT IT FELT REALLY REALLY GOOD.

AND I'M NOT TAKING IT BACK.

I ain't gonna die, I ain't gonna cry
I won't wear my heart out on my sleeve
You can take the car, but you won't break my heart
Oh, and darlin' turn the lights out when you leave

Article originally appeared on if you're not a penguin...shut it (http://www.airbornepathojen.com/).