Sunday
May082005
'Light' Precipitation
Sunday, May 8, 2005 at 09:58AM
It's the small realizations sometimes that have the biggest effect, like the ripples of a tiny stone dropped in a pond that seem to go on forever.
I woke up this morning with my period (sorry boys). Which is not a weird thing. It always comes on a weekend. Okay, *that's* weird, the weekend thing, but it's not my point. Ever since the nastiness with the hormones in the pill and the endometriosis, I don't take birth control and the scar tissue that was left behind from the surgeries precludes any reason to take it unless I need to control my period. (sorry again, boys)
ANYWAYS, whilst having coffee and listening to the rain on my roof, I realized that the atmosphere this last week has been different around the little village in my head.
The family shit, it only upset me for a DAY. I wrote it all down but I didn't post it because, somehow, it just didn't belong here. Those people's issues didn't belong here, in my place. This place is about my bag of issues and they're just going to have to get their own carryall and stop filling up mine and expecting me to haul it around for them.
I realized that I had no warning of said period. I didn't spend the last ten days going from 0 - 60 in two seconds flat. I wasn't pissed off, erratic, grouchy..etc..etc
Then, a little farther into my coffee as I was creating titles for Lacey's gallery, I realized that the pictures make me smile (as they always do) but that I wasn't crying for the missing of her (like I always do).
That, as an appreciator and former owner of (pet) rats, I wasn't twisting myself into a frenzy of guilt and sadness that last night we put out poison for the farm rat who's been hoarding my chocolate covered raisons. For a couple months, judging by the pile in the cupboard.
That, the innumerable tiny things over the last week that would have normally set me off - didn't. Didn't faze me in the slightest.
And, I realized, that what these things mean is that maybe, finally, hopefully, after 13 months - we've found the right things to make *me* right. I can't say right *again* because, as you know, and the doctor's believe, and my friends think - I've never actually *been* right. Now matter how interesting, or cute, or quirky.
The Celexa is bad for me though, the weight I lost last year has never come back and in the last two weeks I lost another 3 pounds, as well as yawned constantly and didn't sleep as well so I'm sure we'll need to find another when I go to see my loverly doctor tomorrow. But that's just details, really.
And I remember from last year how great the first couple weeks are when these things kick in, like a tiny compensation for the shit times, before the level normalizes.
BUT.
This time it feels different. I think I finally believe my last two doctors. I think I finally really believe that this hasn't been ME. No matter how well it's been hidden or tucked away or denied. That it hasn't gotten worse the last few years because I just somehow lost my ability to compensate for it.
That the things I've been working on for me are exactly the right things but that they haven't been the answer I thought they were because they weren't the underlying problem. Yet, still, I've reaped the benefits.
That this place, and you, have helped immeasurably with those things.
That I'm not hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel that I can't even imagine because that light went on over my head this week sometime and I barely even noticed it.
That, I sit here and listen to my interior self and she's not angry, she's not manic, she's not *over* or *under* - she's just quiet, and even, and facing fully forward.
That, she IS shedding a tear or two and these words are a little blurry...
...but that she cries, now, for entirely different reasons.
Peace.
Balance.
I woke up this morning with my period (sorry boys). Which is not a weird thing. It always comes on a weekend. Okay, *that's* weird, the weekend thing, but it's not my point. Ever since the nastiness with the hormones in the pill and the endometriosis, I don't take birth control and the scar tissue that was left behind from the surgeries precludes any reason to take it unless I need to control my period. (sorry again, boys)
ANYWAYS, whilst having coffee and listening to the rain on my roof, I realized that the atmosphere this last week has been different around the little village in my head.
The family shit, it only upset me for a DAY. I wrote it all down but I didn't post it because, somehow, it just didn't belong here. Those people's issues didn't belong here, in my place. This place is about my bag of issues and they're just going to have to get their own carryall and stop filling up mine and expecting me to haul it around for them.
I realized that I had no warning of said period. I didn't spend the last ten days going from 0 - 60 in two seconds flat. I wasn't pissed off, erratic, grouchy..etc..etc
Then, a little farther into my coffee as I was creating titles for Lacey's gallery, I realized that the pictures make me smile (as they always do) but that I wasn't crying for the missing of her (like I always do).
That, as an appreciator and former owner of (pet) rats, I wasn't twisting myself into a frenzy of guilt and sadness that last night we put out poison for the farm rat who's been hoarding my chocolate covered raisons. For a couple months, judging by the pile in the cupboard.
That, the innumerable tiny things over the last week that would have normally set me off - didn't. Didn't faze me in the slightest.
And, I realized, that what these things mean is that maybe, finally, hopefully, after 13 months - we've found the right things to make *me* right. I can't say right *again* because, as you know, and the doctor's believe, and my friends think - I've never actually *been* right. Now matter how interesting, or cute, or quirky.
The Celexa is bad for me though, the weight I lost last year has never come back and in the last two weeks I lost another 3 pounds, as well as yawned constantly and didn't sleep as well so I'm sure we'll need to find another when I go to see my loverly doctor tomorrow. But that's just details, really.
And I remember from last year how great the first couple weeks are when these things kick in, like a tiny compensation for the shit times, before the level normalizes.
BUT.
This time it feels different. I think I finally believe my last two doctors. I think I finally really believe that this hasn't been ME. No matter how well it's been hidden or tucked away or denied. That it hasn't gotten worse the last few years because I just somehow lost my ability to compensate for it.
That the things I've been working on for me are exactly the right things but that they haven't been the answer I thought they were because they weren't the underlying problem. Yet, still, I've reaped the benefits.
That this place, and you, have helped immeasurably with those things.
That I'm not hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel that I can't even imagine because that light went on over my head this week sometime and I barely even noticed it.
That, I sit here and listen to my interior self and she's not angry, she's not manic, she's not *over* or *under* - she's just quiet, and even, and facing fully forward.
That, she IS shedding a tear or two and these words are a little blurry...
...but that she cries, now, for entirely different reasons.
Peace.
Balance.
Reader Comments (2)
Just...
Happy Day.
Every which way including loose.
xoxo
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that all that yawning (what's with that, anyway?!) and insomnia and nausea from the Celexa will go away after a while if you keep taking it.