NaBloMoFoGlo... oh whatever.

You'd never know by the echoing emptiness in there that I spent most of September and October at home. That the migraines escalated to 6 days a week, every other week. That I made it to only 50% of my shifts.

In theory, I've had lots of time, TONS of time to come in here and blabber on.

You'd never know by the continuing dearth of words that for the last 10 days I've actually be completely off work. That the doctor pulled me once and for all.

So, oh my god, I've had days and days of uninterrupted time to come in here and whine, bemoan my fate, rail at the people who have spent the last 14 months deciding whether or not to PAY me and generally just make myself and everyone else totally miserable.

But, I'm not miserable. I used to worry about the things I cannot change. Now, I do what little I can do and move on. The world moves at it's own pace and there is not a blessed thing I can do about it.

My state of mind is good. I'm undiscouraged. I am, frankly, a little freaked out by my fortitude. I'm in possession of all my parts and a suprising amount of calm. I haven't sunk into an unwashed drunken state.

Sure, I have nightmares. I often wake up in a pool of my own cold sweat - so obviously a part of me IS all stressed out. I'm perfectly okay with it being a subconscious part.

I'm in a state of ...limbo..., making a pitiful amount of money on a medical claim but I get to do the things I love.

Walk every day. Hang out in the library. READ! Watch movies. Talk to the cats. Not worry about whether or not I'm going to make it to the next shift. READ! Not try and force myself to go to work to make just enough to get by on. Cook myself good meals. READ! On nice days I can garden. I set myself goals. I may actually sort through years of paper and filing.

One of the things I used to love to do was write.

Maybe, just maybe, being a part of this thing I have a hard time remembering how to spell will help me get back to that, as well.

How long have I been in this storm?

Comments

[Jennifer]

Yay!

I'm sorry about the migraines. That sounds incredibly...awful.

But I'm glad you'll be posting. I miss you when you go away.

[james]

Ugh, migraines. You have my sympathy.

Enjoy your time away from work...it sounds like you are, which is good. Too bad we're a million miles apart. We could hang out at the library together. :)

Peace,J.

[Saltation]

Welcome back. And I hope it's a welcoming back.