The Army Taught Me How to Hallucinate Like a Man
Sunday, May 9, 2010 at 11:37AM Procrastinating through the request of fishboy to post more meandering posts from military training led me to a group email I sent out during that time that reflects the outside face of the experience - that I know he didn't get, although Vanessa did - so hopefully this qualifies .....
Imagine the worst day of your life.
Imagine the longest day of your life, say – 4 am to 11:30 pm.
Mix in a large dry sandy bowl.
Add 2 layers of dark clothing. Toss in a hot sun.
March.
Don't forget the 20 lbs on your back.
An eight pound rifle that goes EVERYWHERE with you and can only be carried by your right hand.
Add in the newfound ability to sleep standing up.
Stir in some hallucinations.
March.
Give 45 people a revolving and mutating sinus / chest cold.
Turn the heat up in the quarters and the classrooms.ALL THE WAY UP.
March.
Crank up the soundtrack of yelling and position the speakers beside your head.
Move with an extreme sense of urgency and speed. ALWAYS.
March.
Wear clothing and equipment designed by men, for men's bodies and sizes that will never fit properly no matter what you do to it.
Run.
Do 100 pushups.
Do 25 more with all the equipment on.
March.
Add a pinch of slowly dawning realization that you will NEVER do ANYTHING right. Even if you do.
Resist the urge to lose the will to live every minute of every day once you realize the above.
Fold in a bucketful of flies. A tonnage of mosquitos. A bushel of ticks.
Repeat every day for nine weeks.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the bare bones recipe for basic training.
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