A couple of things I've been thinking about

1. This has been a long journey for me and through the last 7+ years, I've been medicated for it. Sleeping pills, painkillers, antidepressents. Doctors like to medicate, patients like to think that a pill will magically make everything okay. And while sometimes that is true, there comes a point in a long term situation where it needs to be decided if ...there's a benefit or not. It's not only a frightening thing to contemplate, let alone attempt, but there are multiple effects of withdrawal that make the attempt almost impossible, added on top of the actual long term issues I'm dealing with.

2. I'm incredibly frustrated. I've been through a lot of physical and emotional states over these years but for the most part, I kept trying to move ahead - learning new things, starting my own business, finding ways to be productive. Right now, I can't.do.anything. And I'm letting myself and other people down. Not only that, but I feel like I've completely lost everything I fought so hard to gain. Sometimes, that's all I can see and sometimes, I couldn't give a red rat's ass about any of it.

3. I'm not deranged. I'm not wandering around the park in my underwear shouting at people. I don't think my cats are telling me what to do. I'm not a suicide risk. Well, everyone is in this situation, I suppose, but I will never leave Isabeau and Akita, so that's not something anyone needs to worry about.

4. There is a part of me that wants to use this time to help others understand what may or may not be helpful to someone they love who is struggling. I know that a couple of you have lost friends to suicide this last year and it breaks my heart to know that our society is still so unhelpful, most people won't ask for help (because it doesn't feel like there's any way ANYONE CAN help) and it's extremely difficult to be honest, not only to ourselves and each other, but to our medical caregivers as well.