Not the Energizer Bunny

I'm cheating. I'm taking a comment from somewhere else, expanding it a little and slapping it in here to assuage my guilt at not posting.

The crazy thing these days is that although I work only 3 - 4 days a week, I spend all of my off time either with people who are mangling my body (although they assure me they are 'fixing' me), in meetings with either VAC, GECA / WCB, SISIP / CFPAF, 2 different Doctors and Case Management, gathering information for the previous acronyms or writing letters, essays and life freakin' stories for said people.

Today, I'm at work. Early in the morning. After a night of corn chili and beers with T. Because, crazily, I spend most of my weekends with him, although I work weekends and he doesn't. For some reason, after spending so long with weekends mostly off, I end up with a returning best friend whom I can only see on the weekends. Life, my life, she is like that.

So, I'm tired and functioning only well enough to hit computer keys for the sick people who show up and I'm tired enough to feel more heartbroken than usual about some of them. Especially the woman who comes every morning for her test, right on time. Which is lovely, except she has yet to get the right day and it's not a test I can ask them to do early for her. So, she continues to come and one day, it will be the right day.

I'm so tired I went to the coffee place and the kid who gets my coffee was too tired to lift his head up off the cash register, so I joined him until we both had enough strength to carry on.

I find these days that I can only speak directly to people, face to face, and only to people I REALLY want to. It's almost all surface. And surface enough only to give me a way to amuse myself. Phones on my off time cause actual nausea. The thought of writing down anything to update anyone gives me nightmares after the weeks of filling out the same information in different ways on different forms for different government agencies, writing letters and telling my story over and over to different people, with no end in sight.

I found out at the end of January that the application for compensation and it's 800 associated pieces of painstakingly gathered information that spent the last YEAR -12 full months, people, and 20 full months since I was injured- was 'rejected' due to the fact that a) it was the wrong acronym and b) I slipped through a policy crack (big surprise there). Unfortunately, there was a correct acronym it should have gone to but the first acronym (although morally bound to inform me) felt it not in their best interest to tell me. I'm going out on a limb here and assuming that it's because I'd get more money and it would then cost them more money, especially considering that they are still not out and out rejecting but stringing me along in the hopes I'll either think it's too much work for their pissy little bit of cash and give up or keep plugging away and still end up with their little pissy bit of cash.

Hrm. $8,000. I doubt I'd give that up. Considering what I've lost over this. But, the correct acronym? Closer to $50,000. And that's only covering what I've lost. And, oh, that's an error that will be pursued until my dying breath. Baby.

Maybe a young reservist would let it go and I'm sure that's what they are going for but I, I am older and much more stubborn and have lost so much more money than most reservists (who typically are in university, live at home and are under 21). And I understand that persistence and patience will win the race.

I now have a case manager and not only are we backing up and restarting with the correct acronyms, finally, but we can add as well the complaint to the ombudsman in regards to the above non-information tactic and the letters I'll be writing to my local MLA after this entire ordeal is over.

I am, however, happy. Tired. But happy.

Not, thankfully, content.

Backing Up

When I went to Calgary last December, I wrote a post on the first day I was there. Since returning home I've been frustratingly unable to get into the damn MobilePro. Today, determined to conquer, I finally worked out that the backup battery was dead.

*sigh*

Here it is.

_____________________________

December 11. 3 pm Calgary time.

After hopping in and out of bed to write down addresses, ziploc bag my "liquids and gels", pee, annoy Magpie, miss Cabot, pee, get Cabot's heated electric blanket so I feel less alone, fall asleep finally about 2 am, wake up at four wrapped up in a stinking hot blanket and sweating like a maniac, I finally only sort of fully awoke at 6:45 to a knock-knock-knocking on my door.

My ride to the airport. The one I should have been up for at 6 am.

While Elmer paces in the living room I rush madly, giving my hair a quick wash in the sink, slapping on some clothes, chugging down a half cup of black coffee, shrieking at the bags under my eyes (nay, all over my face), throwing some food at Magpie and ungracefully shoving whatever was piled beside the suitcase INTO the suitcase.... we were on our way.

I didn't check email. I didn't empty the coffee grinds (hellooooo mold), I didn't say goodbye to the Maggot. I didn't do a final check of my stuff, my house, my list, myself.....

I'm discombobulated.

At the airport, I at least was ready with my little bag of restricted products but I almost walked away without Micha's borrowed winter jacket and my passport. I had to take off my boots after the security guard noticed they were steel-toed.

What now?

Okay, now, bear with me here as I'm sort of tired but I wear these boots ALL THE TIME. And yanno, maybe I shouldn't since they're my military dress boots. Did you pick out the important word there? Kay, since I have no patience right now, I'll tell you. DRESS boots. ie: you wear them with your dress uniform. For me that would be Remembrance Day and one or two yearly mess dinners.

Steel toed? And not only that but yanno, I never noticed.

My combat boots aren't steel toed. Would that maybe make a little sense? Considering they're for uh... combat?

I do have to say, to get this fully into the light, that at this point in my 'career' not one damn thing the military does or doesn't do will ever make the slightest bit of sense to me.

I have a list.

In fact, I may be able to squeeze out a 10 point list for every single week I've actually been in the military.

T2 says there's a book in there somewhere. But only with a more sympathetic government.

I arrived in the airport at 11 am but after only two cups of coffee I needed more! and a couple of cigarettes. Plus, yanno, some quality time in the bathroom with spackle and paint.

Considering all the people I'm meeting work until 430 ish, I got lots of time.

On the airporter at 1230 on the way into Calgary proper I thought I may stop by and get one of the girls at my old hairdressing place to wash and style the mess on my head since I was starting to feel like maybe I'd not washed out all the conditioner and was pretty sure that there'd been a truck on the plane and it'd hit me.

That helped. Although I certainly wouldn't have erm... styled my hair the way they did.

Then down to the bank and over to the Jugo juice to get "whatever would wake me up". One 'banana buzz' later and I am shaking like a leaf whilst visiting my old boss - the afore-mentioned T2.

Who's shorter than I remember.

I am now ensconced at my own big table in my own little room in the James Joyce pub on Stephen Ave, having a grasshopper, being far too bright and cheerful with the staff and finishing off a bowl of Irish lamb stew.

Except for the luggage I'm wheeling around behind me everywhere I go.... it feels a bit like coming home.

News: The New Ripley's Channel

Maybe, just maybe I'm not quite awake yet on this cold sunny Sunday morning.

Maybe there's a nasty virus going around the internet that's caused a bunch of freakish news stories.

Maybe the aliens are finally here.

Is "Canadian" In Use As A Racist Term? A small excerpt below....

Is "Canadian" the new black? Perhaps – that is if you're a racist speaking in code.

Recent revelations that the term "Canadian" is being used to replace racist names for black people have got a Texas assistant district attorney into trouble and have left others wondering what exactly it means to be labelled a Canadian in the American south.

Long derogated as weak-kneed liberals with lax laws and funny monopoly money, Canadians have carried a negative connotation in certain regions of America – but not as a replacement for the N-word.

Earlier this week a columnist with the Houston Chronicle uncovered an email from Harris County assistant district attorney Mike Trent who, in a congratulatory note to a junior prosecutor, used the word "Canadians" to describe blacks on a jury.

Trent wrote of the prosecutor in a 2003 email: "He overcame a subversively good defence by Matt Hennessey that had some Canadians on the jury feeling sorry for the defendant and forced them to do the right thing."

Trent's email remained unchallenged by colleagues who received the email, despite there being no actual Canadians on the jury.

Next up, a news article entitled "The High Cost of Using Less Water", which I'm thinking is seriously irresponsible reporting. Excerpt below....

Peel Region treasurer Dan Labrecque estimates his region has lost $7 million to so-called "revenue or billable flows shortfall." The need to make up for that lost money accounts for nearly half of Peel's proposed 16 per cent water rate hike (expected to be phased in at 12.5 per cent).

"A number of factors are contributing to this, including the success of our water consumption (reduction) efforts," said Labrecque. "We've pointed it out to council saying, here's the trend, we don't know if it's a sustainable trend, or whether it's an adjustment because of changes, the Al Gore movie and all that kind of stuff."

Individual efforts are an obvious part of the change in consumption. For example, Peel's water use didn't increase last summer even though it was one of the driest on record; people took the message to heart and watered their lawns less.

I especially liked the last line, because, yanno, people get sarcasm and irony, right?

"The alternative is to tell them to use more water so we can get more money," he said with a big smile. "But that's not our goal."

The only thing in that whole article I agreed with was...

"Other ideas floated by politicians and water staff include charging bottled-water producers more for using municipal water; creating block rates; and – taking a leaf from the hydro sector – charging higher rates for people who use more water at peak times.

Canadians, according to the Canadian Environmental Law Association, are among the most wasteful water users in the world, at more than 300 litres per person per day – second only to the United States. The fact that our water comes so cheap has a lot to with that. And it's a message that's starting to get through.

"It seems to me we haven't been paying what we should be paying for water over the years," Mississauga Councillor Pat Mullin mused at a recent regional council meeting.

Next up? Australia Issues Canada Travel Warning. Entire article below...

Jan 25, 2008 10:06 AM

THE CANADIAN PRESS

Australians taking the advice of their government's "Smart Traveller" web site will likely be steering clear of Canada.

That website, which is run by Australia's Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade, has Canada listed as a country where travellers should "exercise caution," which is the second-safest category.

Apparently our problems stem from the threat of terrorism, heavy snow, ice and forest fires that can erupt "at any time."

British Columbia, in particular, was singled out as being in an active earthquake zone and "subject to avalanches" along with Alberta.

Countries listed on the Smart Traveller website that are considered safer than Canada include Chile, South Korea and Latvia.

Canada's Foreign Affairs website which offers advice to travellers has no official warnings against Australia, and says most Canadian visitors to that country don't have any problems.

Strangely, in 38 years living in the west, I've never felt an earthquake, seen an avalance, confronted a terrorist (besides high school that is) or found myself trapped in the middle of a suddenly erupting snowstorm, ice storm or forest fire.

Maybe I'm just lucky. Those of you who know me though, probably don't believe that any more than I do.

Maybe I'm suffering from dangerously low nicotine levels.

Maybe I should just stop reading the news.

i used to get high for a living

believing everything that i saw on my tv

i used to get high for a living

eating all the bullshit food that they sold me

i used to get high for a living

thinking that my destiny was out of my control

Tickle Me

Tickle's Inkblot Test.

J, your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace.

You have a deeply-rooted desire to make peace in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with loved ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to be able to influence the world in a positive way.

You have a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it, and you inspire others to feel the same way. Your innate drive toward peace guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.

Back in Your Rightful Place

I've been sitting at work trying to think of a way to explain what happened earlier today.

Other than going back over what happened between tony:there and I over three years ago and our lives together before that, which would take a long time, I'm not sure how I can.

And so I'm not even going to try. I'm just going to tell myself the rest of the story.

After a couple of chance meetings over the last 3 and a half years with no apparant desire on anyone's part to repeat them, on New Year's Day as I was changing buses, a truck pulled up beside me and he offered me a ride to work.

After what happened between us and from what I've always known of the type of person he is, the only clear thing I knew that day was that this particular gesture was akin to an apology. Coming from someone I'd known so well and loved so much I knew how much it cost him to do that. And that it meant, as well, that he was ready to be a part of my life again.

A few days later, I called to wish him a happy birthday and left my number.

I figured that if I was right and he really was ready then he'd call me back.

He called this morning and we spent almost three hours having coffee.

He and I, for being such radically different people on the outside, are at our cores very much alike and I don't think it has ever been so apparant to me as it was today. He's definitely become so much more self-aware and unselfconscious about his feelings and fears over the last few years, as have I, that it was as if we were almost completely new people meeting for the first time. Well, except for that shared experiences thing and the fact that I'm one of the few people on earth he trust(ed).

As well, I noticed that he's taken on a few of my goals while at the same time I've assumed some of his in a peculiar sort of dovetail.

This is hard to explain but today felt important. It felt like a part of the rest of my life. I haven't felt that since I met T3 and look how radically that changed my life.

One interesting thing that I learned about myself today was that I'm no longer intimidated by his beauty. That may seem like a silly thing to say but it has always been an insurmountable obstacle since I met him 20 years ago.

This comes from a really deep place inside of me and it's embarrassing to admit but the beautiful people have always caused me problems. You know the ones - that look gorgeous even when they're ugly, that are so effortlessly perfect no matter what they're wearing, what their hair is doing or how they're feeling. I don't know if it's that I don't feel worthy enough inside to compensate for the lack of belief that I'm a beautiful person too (cause uh, I'm not, not like them, not on the outside) or what it is but it's been an issue always. Like I'm just an interim thing while they wait for someone as beautiful as them to come along.

Fucked up. I know. These things, however, are just not rational, yes?

At any rate, I was always tentative in our relationship, although not in our friendship, because of this thing inside of me. I didn't want to do anything "jen-like" to upset what I was sure was a relationship always a moment away from over.

You'd think I'd find that sort of amusing these days but ... no.

Over the years as his best friend I came to understand how much he trusted me and how much he loved me, and what those things meant to him but in another way my fear was justified because one day an innocent questioning remark lost me that love.

I knew then and I know now that the issue wasn't with me in that case and it seems that conclusion has been reached by him as well. I've learned enough about myself in the intervening years to.. maybe not believe completely in myself.. but to be able to rise above that instinct for preservation that seems to live inside my bones. Although, preservation of what, I'm not sure.

I've learned, as well, that I can't let fear prevent me from doing what I feel, because things end and begin in a moment and trying to prevent that moment by holding back just ends up costing you more .

I'll have the opportunity to test this theory at some point because that is the nature of my relationship with this man. It may change the relationship again or not but I know that inside of me, a great change will have been wrought. In a strange way, I'm looking forward to it.

The Year Ahead

So. 2008. Hi.

Last week, I accepted a permanent job. Which sort of sounds like it's a 'new' job but after being a casual worker since September of 2005, what I've actually done is just promised that I'd show up a certain amount of hours at the job I've been doing all along.

Go me.

Starting this coming weekend I'm on a permanent part-time rotation for shifts that are all Friday to Monday - three days one week, four the next. Considering that I've worked roughly 10 days a month for the last year and a half, I'll now be working 14 - 16, with the option to work more if I desire. Or, in union-speak, I'll be .62 of a full time position.

Suddenly, I have a budget that can be counted on. Suddenly there's money everywhere where there was none before. Erm. Relatively speaking.

Regardless, within the new way of living I've forged for myself over the last while, it's certainly enough, not only to live comfortably on but also to pay down debt at a sort of acceptable rate.

Since I'm just starting back at work (and still headache free, btw) I can't imagine I'll take weekday shifts for the first while. If ever.

I'd like to devote more time to writing, organizing my papers, cooking and to learning about my new little hobby - aromatherapy.

Not grand plans, alas, but I'm not so sure grand plans are appropriate this year.

I've also sent in paperwork to complete the course I have to take before I'm allowed my licence back so in between that and paying down the debt that's accumulated, I don't really have any other goals for a large chunk of 2008.

If/when I finish the back and forth with the military and receive the compensation owed to me, that too will go towards the debt and then, more than likely, a new(er) little car.

Nearer the end of the summer I'll make a decision on whether or not to sell the condo. If I decide to, then I'll be moving back to Calgary for a few months to renovate and sell before investing most of the money and using the rest to piss off with for a while. Even if I don't sell, the plan is to still piss off for a while.

Cabot goes in tomorrow for, hopefully, the last of the guardian-funded dental work, so he'll be healthier and happier and will live a longer life. A precious gift.

By all accounts, this year is supposed to be a good one for me and although I may not completely believe it, I'm going to just relax and enjoy it as much as I can while trying to ease myself back into a 'normal' life.

One thing I'm NOT going to do, I promise, is think and/or mention (again) about how much farther I could be along in my goals if not for the limbo and massive setbacks the last two years have wrought. About how, in a very big way, the last two years have felt like they've been wasted - although I can give you ten reasons (in hindsight) why they weren't. In some ways, that still doesn't make it okay.

It is over though. Finally. And all I can do now is move forward, relieved. Renewed. A little bit smarter. A little bit stronger. A little bit more.

Continuing, of course, to feed my I Can Has Cheezburger? addiction.

The End of 2007 - Part II

14. What do you wish you'd done more of?

After careful consideration of this question, the answer is... nothing. I qualify that because it's not the easy answer - there isn't anything I wanted to do more of that would have been possible - physically, financially or emotionally - so.. wishing I'd done more of something that I wouldn't have been able to... see where I'm going with this?

15. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Continuing to work MORE than I had to for the people who were hurting me.

16. Did you fall in love in 2007?

No.

17. What was your favorite TV program?

Friday Night Lights.

Saving Grace.

House.

Supernatural.

18. What was the best book you read?

Good lord. I read a minimum of five a week. According to my account, 245 of them were from the library this year. Let's say...

best 'new' series - The Black Dagger Brotherhood by J.R. Ward.

best 'new' writer - Jeff Long

travel writer - Tim Cahill

The Devil of Nanking, Mo Hayder.

Greg Hurwitz

Kim Harrison

I'd like to add a few "deep" books here but although I read a few, nothing is standing out as particularly relevant to me this year. Plus, I didn't really have the concentration level.

19. What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?

Again, familiar litany...

20. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Army un-chic.

Trackpants with wifebeater.

Hospital work-clothes.

That's all I wore.

21. What kept you sane?

Cabot.

Books.

primetime TV.

The friends previously mentioned.

22. Who did you miss?

Philly.

Kyle.

The Matt I knew.

23. Who was the best new person you met?

Dr. Michael Murray.

Simon.

24. Tell us a valuable lesson you learned in 2007.

That even in the most horrible of personal circumstances, I still have time to be good and gentle to those that I love and still have pieces of me to give.

I learned (er... was forced to learn) that I can survive quite comfortably on far less money than I'd thought.

That, in most circumstances these days, the morally right and universally good things to do are still the hardest and the most punished - but that I will continue to choose them.

25. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

There's two. Both are K.T. Tunstall.

Hold on to what you've been given lately.

Hold on to what you know you've got.

Hold on to what you've been given lately.

Hold on 'cause the world will turn if you're ready or not.

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophes,

Bring me to my knees.

Well I must be my own master,

Or a miniature disaster will be,

Will be the death of me.

I don't have to raise my voice,

Don't have to be underhand,

Just gotta understand.

That it's gonna be up and down,

Gonna be lost and found.

And then I can't take to the sky before I like it on the ground...

And I need to patient, And I need to be brave,

I need to discover how I need to behave,

And I'll find out the answers when I know what to ask,

But I'm speaking the wrong language, and everybody's talking too fast..