The End. Of the Year.

So yeah, hi there.

I'm feeling the guilt.  Also, I'm feeling like I should say something about this year.  So, since I did the questionnaire type thingy at the end of ...errr.   2007 (Part I and Part II) but not one for 2008, I guess I'ma skippin' a year and will now commence one for the end of 2009.

  1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Went to Cancun and a beach wedding.  
Got bitten by baby raccoons (among other things)
Had a cabana boy.  (boy being the operative word)
Died my hair an unnatural color. Or two.
Turned 40.
Had liposuction.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any resolutions last year. I did however, manage one of my resolutions from the end of 2007.  There are no resolutions for this year either - there are, however, intentions.  Many many intentions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A repeat!  A resolution of the disability compensation owed to me by the military for the last 15 (now 36)months.
Also a repeat!  My licence back. And a car.
A boy.  Maybe.
A maintainable solution to that little "legs actually working properly" issue.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 31.  The day I was medically released from the military.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Maintaining.  Sanity.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Lack of concentration.

10. What was the best thing you bought?
My laptop.

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Katerina.

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted?
The Canadian Military.

13. What song will always remind you of 2009?
I listened to a lot of new music this year and since music itself is such an identifying and important part of my life - here's a list of songs new to me in 2009 that resonated....click the song title for lyrics

Damien Rice - Nine Crimes
Anna Nalick - Shine
Kendall Payne - On My Bones   
Matt Nathanson - Come On Get Higher and All We Are
and, best of all, people I know, whose music buoys my soul and puts a shit-eating grin on my face.... Mindil Beach Markets - Working Man's Blues   

14. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Laughed.  Loved.  Lived.

15. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Cried.  Stressed.  Slept.

16. Did you fall in love in 2007?
No.

17. What was your favorite TV program?
Friday Night Lights.
House.
Supernatural.

18. What was the best book you read?
The Other End of the Leash
A book on my reading list for school and one that every single dog owner and/or lover must read.

19. What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?
Justice.

20. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Trackpants with wifebeater.
Hospital work-clothes.
That's all I wore.

21. What kept you sane?
Cabot.
Books.
primetime TV.
Moving forward.

22. Who did you miss?
Philly.
Kyle.
The Matt I knew.

23. Who was the best new person you met?
Dr. James Leigh.

24. Tell us a valuable lesson you learned in 2007.
That even in the most horrible of personal circumstances, I still have time to be good and gentle to those that I love and still have pieces of me to give.
I learned (er... was forced to learn) that I can survive quite comfortably on far less money than I'd thought.
That, in most circumstances these days, the morally right and universally good things to do are still the hardest and the most punished - but that I will continue to choose them.

I'm going to stop there because... I can.  Sadly, these answers aren't all that different from the ones two years ago - and a couple, I left as they were.  The last five years have been terrible and yet, every year this last couple, I get a little stronger, a little better at weathering the things beyond my control that still directly affect me, a little happier.  That, I suppose, is the best that I could ever hope for.

In the coming year, I'll be starting my own business and giving every moment my all.  Not only because I have to, but because I want to.

Happy 2010, y'all.

Bumper Sticker Day

I think I used to do this on a certain day every week?  I dunno.  And although I've used this one before, I LOVE IT!  It's by far my favorite so I'm inflicting it on (all two of you) again.

Periodically, I shuffle back through some of my older posts and I am constantly amazed by the declination of my writing skill.  I used to be.... well, far more entertaining (to myself at least). And witty, even when I was angry or partially beaten.   I don't know what happened and that really bothers me.  I think it's a big part of the reason I don't come here anymore.

And that bothers me too.  Life got in the way of my creativity and man, that's just pants.

So, yeah, I'm gonna try again and we'll see how that goes.  For now, another bumper sticker that goes a little way to explaining my life in the last 6 months.  And, as always, a lyric.

isn't it time you got over how fragile you are
we're all waiting
waiting on your supernova 'cause that's who you are
and you've only begun to shine

Rob's Yer Conscience

I spoke to my friend Rob today and he directed me to come here and.....

...write a couple of sentences to assure my friends that I am not dead and that I will post when I have something interesting and/or relevant to update you on.

Of course, I was just going to be a brat and do exactly that, until I realized that I have a little story to tell.  A story that I don't get to fully tell people these days because they are so caught up in their automatic knee-jerk reaction followed by an ironclad belief that they are, of course, right that, so even if they took the time to listen, they wouldn't hear a word I said anyways.

For those of you who haven't known me all my life, in high school I was 5.6" (the same I am now) and I weighed 90 lbs.  (So.... 171 cm tall and 6.4 stone)  I used to wear trackpants under my jeans because the smallest size I could get were still too big for me.  I remember one year when I was 14 there were these awesome flap pocket jeans that were all the rage and after begging for months for a pair, my mom and I spent an entire day trying to find some for me.  I ended up in a childrens store and went home with the only ones that were small enough to fit my hips - they ended just below my knees.

In the ensuing years I gained weight but stayed the same height and I've always been more "boy formed" than girl.  I have wide shoulders, slim hips and, to top it all off, two legs that join at the tailbone (ie: not much of an ass).  Over those years any weight I gained, I gained around my middle.  Actually, that's not true because I've kept about the same weight so, in reality, fuck knows where it came from.

I've kept records of my measurements and looking at them right now, they go back as far as 1999.  I know for sure that I've had a pretty big disparity between my hip and waist measurements for about 5 years longer than that.  I started keeping records when I started diet and fitness regimes to specifically reduce the size of my waist and the size of my waist only.

During my 'office' days, I used to buy pants that were a little roomier in the hips and, inevitably, huge in the ass to make the wearing of pants all day long less uncomfortable but when your hips are 38" and you're waist is 34.5" (March 1999)..... well, lets put it this way - anything that fit around my hips carried a 26 or 27" waist. 

So, head into your bedroom, grab a belt say, 1 and a half inches wide,  and cinch it around your waist at roughly 5 or 6 inches SMALLER than your current waist size.  Proceed to wear it all day.  While sitting down. Repeat. For 15+ years.  Get back to me.

I've never had any success with any kinds of diet or exercise and my weight has been steady at 130 - 134 for the last 15+ years.  Hell, I figured basic training would knock that baby right off my middle but, no.  I came home from basic training with 11% body fat and a belly the exact same size as when I left.

From my records, it looks like I briefly had 36" hips in 2001 to go with a 31.5" waist but still the proportion of waist to hip ratio has pretty much stayed the same.  Ergo, my problem has stayed the same.

The advent of low rise pants gave rise to a less painful clothes wearing experience for me, however, it was replaced by the embarrassement of having pants fit nicely at 30" just under my belly button - which clocked in itself around 34-36". 

Yes, the dreaded muffin top.  From perfectly fitting pants.  On a skinny girl with low body fat and a BMI of 20-21.  

All these numbers are a bit confusing, I know.  Let's say that the norm for waist to hip ratios (according to the internets) is .7 (or for me would be a hip size of 37" and a waist size of 27") but what I have instead is .83.  Which, apart from being painful is also a moderately high health risk. 

As of last week, for the 16 or 17th year in a row I measured hips 37", waist 31" and whatever that measurement is called just below yer belly button - 35.5" and I weighed 128 lbs.  Now, I'm so not denying that there's a percentage of this that's about vanity - about wanting to look my best, but the long involved explanation above is a larger percentage of my problem with it.  Sadly, it's the percentage no one wants to talk about.

Sometimes, these things are not about fitness.  Not about how hard you work, what you eat or how you want to see yourself.  Sometimes, they just are.

And sometimes, after 15+ years of trying to fix it, deal with it, get over it --and 15 other 'its'-- it's just one of those things that you hand over to a surgeon with a state-of-the-art vacuum cleaner.

Yes, internets, I had liposuction 5 days ago. And my body?  It thanks me.

(Update: Amount of 'tissue' removed - 1L. Yup.)

Still

How long have I been in this storm
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water is getting hard to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be alright
If I see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
And everything will be alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be alright
If I see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
You will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

Lifehouse.  Storm

Lilac Wine

I love Leonard Cohen with all my Canadian heart and more, but he has to be the most difficult lyricist to translate, must less into a breathlessly beautiful lift of sound and life, as Jeff Buckley did ith "Hallelujah".

I don't know how Katie Melua sang this, but as part of a Jeff Buckley CD that a new friendship has bestowed upon me, his version is balm enough...

I lost myself on a cool damp night

I gave myself in that misty light

Was hypnotized by a strange delight

Under a lilac tree

I made wine from the lilac tree

Put my heart in its recipe

It makes me see what I want to see

And be what I want to be

When I think more than I want to think

Do things I never should do

I drink much more that I ought to drink

Because it brings me back you

Lilac wine

Is sweet and heady

Like my love

Lilac wine

I feel unsteady

Like my love

Listen to me

I cannot see clearly

Isn't that she

Coming to me

Nearly here

Lilac wine

Is sweet and heady

Where's my love

Lilac wine

I feel unsteady,

Where's my love

Listen to me, why is everything so hazy?

Isn't that he, or am I just going crazy, dear?

Lilac Wine, I feel unready

for my love...

for my love...

...Indeed.

What? A post?

Hrm.  Well, I was actually going to come in and post my grand and ambitious plan for 2009.  I thought that might be right exciting since my last grand plan was joining the army and leaving for basic training and look how interesting that made the last 3ish years.

However, I got all entwined amidst trying to clean up some of my favorites by moving them to blogrolling (which has been un-updateable for months, where the fuck have I been?).

There's been a shift.  A big shift.  And it's weird.  And ambitious.

But, it's almost midnight here in the rainforest and after five days off, I've got to get up at 6 am so I can be late for work.  (It's a bus thing.)

I'll probably be back.  Soonish.

My Little Gump

Originally, the baby raccoon that interacted the most with me I named Brass (Bold As) but he really only spent about 10 days using me as a teething appliance before he and his two siblings packed on some weight and vanished into the anonymity of the 11 other older raccoons - only a few of which these days I can identify by their more obvious traits (Boone has a very sad short tail - hence she is "No Daniel Boone" , Rowan who has the badly healed broken wrist and facial scars from the car accident and Agnes, my little old lady with the missing teeth and that one really long white eyebrow hair I REALLY want to tug out). 

Even Daryl and Daryl defy identification as they used to be the biggest in any gathering but even Rowan now looks to be at least 20 lbs.  How I would dearly love to one: mark them in some way and two: weigh their fat asses.

Having mentioned to someone tonight that I thought without constant contact Brass would probably shun me in the future, he later made another close-up appearance, bit my toe, chewed on my finger and generally made a nuisance of himself.

The late crop of bobbleheads has yielded Gump, whom you've already had the pleasure of meeting in the videos below.  I noticed that he has a bit of a gait issue - bowlegs? inward pointing feet? - I dunno, but in the beginning he was simply Gimp.  Due to their voracious baby appetites I normally see him and his siblings with either Agnes (his mom) or what seems to be a babysitter two or three times a day (which has led to his 'new' name of Gump the Dumpster).  I'm hoping that his continuing close interaction with me will translate to his adult life because although all 14 of them will come within 2 feet of me and Brass will still allow me to scratch his back, Gump is the only one who truly treats me as if I'm an actual acknowledged part of his life and that's pretty damn cool. 

So, I present, the best video yet.  Starring "Gump the Dumpster".