Deeeeep Breath

Today I went into work for 6:15 - my 4th day - training - and no one showed up.

Well, except me.

Until 7:30. Cause they forgot they had to work. In a hospital.

Sooo, nice start to my day after 4 hours of sleep and getting up at 5 am.

I managed okay but things went from bad to worse and I screwed up pretty much every single thing I touched. I mean, I could care less about the paperwork and 'training issues' they have - I'm more about feeling bad cause I'm holding up that lady who I'm pretty sure is, you know, dying.

Then I got an email saying that the computer I wanted was already gone.

Then I got a copy of an email reference that went to the temps and said very nice things -

So, that was nice because I am feeling anything BUT today. I actually felt nurtured. The DB rocks.

Then Heather emailed to tell me someone in the building in Calgary died. But she didn't know who. But there was a body bag and it was very creepy.

I finished work and had to go into my old job to fix up a mess some "expert" made to my Outlook rules. Which sucked because it was 45 minutes added to my commute.

But, I got some of my new stuff! = my books! my soap! And my new underwear!

I had made arrangements for my brother to take the cat while I was gone, what? two weeks ago? He left a message today saying they'd got their own cat and couldn't take care of mine anymore. Nice.

And to top it all off with a nice little cherry? I walked out at lunch and who was standing at the counter? My high school sweetheart. Since he thought I'd already gone (and his friends didn't tell him I lived here) he had a bit of a nasty shock. It's so strange that all these years later, that old hurt and longing comes shining through in every sentence, isn't it?

I don't have enough energy to even go there except to say, Sal's right, I am Scott's Matt. By the time I grew up, it was too late. For both of us.

I'd like to get off the goddamned roller coaster now.

But instead, I am going to take a deep breath, climb up on my roof and install the new 'lid' since it's so gonna rain tonight, read a book, admire my 'present / souvenir' from Papohaku Beach on Molokai and post something I drag out periodically that I wrote to remind me ... well, just to remind me.

I Believe I still believe in the resilience of the human heart and the essential value of love
I believe that connections between people can be made in a moment
And that the spirits which inhabit us sometimes touch
I still believe that the value received far outweighs the price that must be paid

I still believe in faeries and werewolves and things that go bump in the night
I believe that monsters can come home grinning behind the face of someone you
  love
For I understand that the monster lives within us
But I still believe that living in fear of what is within us is not living at all

I still believe that I can change the world
I believe that the world can change me and that may not be a bad thing
If only I'm willing to see which is the best way to go
But I still believe that all the choices are mine, alone

I still believe that gentleness, kindness and respect will endure, if we only let it
I believe that I can make or destroy someone else's day
Because the choice to put aside what I'm feeling for a moment is mine
And I still believe that we can only benefit by making the effort to do so

I still believe that solitude is valid
I believe that self-reflection is an imperative
That it's okay to look back and try to understand, as long as you don't stare
I still believe that looking back is as important as looking forward

I still believe in you
And I still believe in me


Feb 28/04

Comments

[Vanessa]

Aw. It's raining here.

[Jen, also]

Best souvenir ever, innit?

Does this mean you get to sleep in tomorrow??

[The Captain of This Boat]

I'm on five 6 am's in a row, then just for fun - a 7am on a Saturday. THEN I get to sleep in. For four days.

The four days that started the whole go-to-calgary-north carolina-oh-fuck-it-australia tangent.

Or tanjent.