Desperately Seeking...

It's a Saturday night at 6 pm and although I've done all the work available, I'm still 4 hours from the end of this shift.  At some point in the last year these slow afternoon shifts have become something I dread.  I've never been very good at sitting around wasting time and being in the work environment doesn't lend itself to studying, surfing or reading, at least for me.  Inevitably, by the time 6 pm rolls around I'm desperately trying not to stab myself in the neck with a pen just so I'll have something to 'do'.

Contemplating a week or two in Jeff's truck - someone suggested I take up knitting.  Seems to me that may be a decent way to deal with work as well.

A Quick Word

I obviously got distracted by something shiny and pretty.  Or looked like my couch.  Alas, I'm still thinking over what I'd like to do with the decor in here.....

I'm just at work oday and in about 45 minutes I'll be heading out to meet Nadine - whom I haven't seen for 15ish years but with whom I used to go dancing with back in the ol' Carlton/Tudor House Pub days.  Given the last couple of weeks I've had, I could use a dance or two.  And, you know, I haven't danced since..... last July.

Jeff is currently at the Port Dover Friday the 13th Bash , wherein 50,000 motorbikes and 150,000 people descend upon the poor little town of Port Dover, ON (pop. 6,000)  to party it up for four days.

He was still alive 6 hours ago.  Right now, that's the only important thing (for many reasons I won't go into here).  I've had a rough couple weeks with all sorts of things pinging around in my head around all kinds of fears I've got about relationships and he's under so much stress that I've been low on his radar.   Some solid advice from my friends Marjorie and Steve helped immensely to set me to rights.

Well, about as right as a woman who has no recent (read 20 years) experience in negotiating a long term relationship, let alone one as unique as this. 

Design

I came back in to do a nice fresh new (or old depending on your point of view) design to find that I have absolutely no understanding anymore of how Typepad actually functions.

ARG!

May end up back at squarespace.  I shall ruminate.

And for now?  I can't figure out why my right sidebar is now on the left.

(Oh! Fixed.  Stupid stupid thing.)

Go, go, go....stop!

I've been sitting here looking at this poor blank page for a good ten minutes - thinking about what to say, the way these posts have changed into some sort of updatey thing.... and have decided, as they say in wine country - "sip happens". 

It's strange and wonderful how things in life change so fast and then immensely frustrating that everything that needs to be done forces it to come to a screeching tire burning halt.

The decision for Jeff to sell his house and move out here to be with me seemed like the big decision but, in fact, it's becoming the easiest part of this new chapter in our lives.  The town he lives in used to have a big plant of some sort - wait, let me look that up - ahh, here it is.  You can imagine, I'm sure, what the real estate looks like out there, logging into the MLS listings shows the entire city as one big for sale sign.  Knowing Jeff, he'll take the first offer he gets and get out but, even before we get that far, he's got to reroof and change the flooring.  Hard to do when you're not at home, or even in the province, more than eight or so days a month.

If you add to that the disparity between housing prices (read profit / downpayment potential) there and here on the island.... well, it's a daunting thought.   I can only talk myself into believing that the screeching halt in my own life - namely, any kind of compensation from the military, potentially now yet another year away - is tied to that.  Cosmically.  Astrologically.  Or some such other 'ally'.

Although, really, it's a tough sell.  There are many things I need the money for right now, the most important of which is the $15,000 to finish my teeth, which can't safely be put off past August.  I'm carrying a lot of stress around that.  Unfair, hated stress.

Considering what I've put my back through so far this year, it's held up amazingly well, well enough for me to start to believe that the nightmare of the last five years may be over.  Physically, at least.  A couple of weeks ago, after the trip out to see Kat, my right arm stopped hurting for the first time since August of 1996.  Crazy.  Obviously, computer usage (or more specifically, mousing) aggravates the hell out of it and the break those couple weeks gave me has helped it to turn a corner.  I don't believe for a second that my shoulder will be permanently okay but at least now I can work on re-establishing some of the lost 60% muscle on that side.

My legs still don't work.  I'm hoping that the appointment that I missed last month, which is now booked for the day after my birthday, will give me some hope for some type of cure for that.  We shall see.

Jeff is currently back at home and should hear tomorrow about the next load, hopefully (fingers crossed) one that will bring him back west in time to spend the weekend of my birthday with me.

The first birthday since high school on which I will have a boyfriend.  How messed up is that?  I don't expect lots of big gifties or anything, just having him here will be enough for me, but it's a little strange to even contemplate what a birthday as "two" instead of "one" will be like.

I could probably go on for a bit longer as I do have lots to say, but I'm working today and must be off to get myself together for that.  

Spinning

I can't believe I've already been back home for a week.  And accomplished... well, not much at all.  Money is super super tight after all the flitting about I've done so far this year and it would be nice to just hang out and rest for a while.

However, I don't think that's in the cards quite yet.  Miles the car is still in Calgary and Jeff is leaving Toronto tonight to bring a load of steel out west so it's looking like I'll be flying out to meet up with him on Tuesday morning.  He's driving with a buddy so they'll just drive nonstop all the way and then his buddy will bring Miles back to Vancouver while I come back with Jeff in the big truck, by way of Wetaskiwin and Edmonton.

I miss Miles.  As much as I kind of get off on driving the massive Earl-truck, it's really a pain to park and navigate in a city. 

I don't feel I have a lot to say really, I'm consumed these days with coming to terms with the changes that are happening in my life and the sense of 'rightness' about it all.  Jeff put his house up for sale in Ontario and I've been scanning about for a place here that fits all the criteria we'll need.

Yes, I said 'we'.

A blended family will include one semi,  2 trucks, a boat, 2 motorbikes, a car..... four dogs and three cats.  Lord help us all.

A Long Road

Tuesday, June the 8th

After spending Saturday night in a hotel on the outskirts of Calgary with Jeff we got ourselves up and at ‘em and headed back into town to visit Katerina at Hospice one last time.

I guess I should explain that she had end-stage non-Hodgkins lymphona and had been fighting a losing battle since the beginning of 2009. I had driven out the Saturday before and learned a little later that the doctors hadn’t expected her to make it through that weekend. Over the week, she got steadily more present, seemingly stronger and was usually pretty perky when I stopped by a couple times a day to see her. On Sunday, she was doing really well and talking about her dad maybe going home for a week and some of her frustrations with the doctors so I was pretty confident in maybe being able to ride out with Jeff again to see her.

We headed up to Edmonton and to my buddy Rob’s for dinner (Hi, Rob!) then back out to some tiny little place who’s name I can’t remember (Calmar?) and spent the night in the truck.

Jeff unloaded the next morning while I tried to sleep through the noise. The original plan, you see, was to drop that load and hopefully have nothing to take back to Langley so that we could put Miles up on the deck and drive him home. Miles is currently in Sandy’s parking spot at her condo and, as plans change, we are now on our way to 100 Mile House with a trailer deck full of peat moss. A lot of which I imagine will end up on a grow op somewhere in the boonies.

At this point, once we drop the peat moss in 100 Mile House, we’ll either head back to Alberta where I’ll end up picking the car up and driving it back anyways or out to Langley, at which point I’ll take Jeff’s truck back over to the island and hopefully be able to get back out next week to pick up Miles. I could have hopped out in Calgary last night but I like being here with Jeff so I’ll just see what happens. I’ve got a few days before I’ve got to be back home and back to work on Saturday. I’ve left the cats alone for about 10 days now and although I know they’re being fed and can get in and out of the house when they want, I feel terrible about leaving them for so long. It wasn’t my intent to be gone this long and although I’m grateful that I could arrange things to stay with Kat, it does weigh on me to leave the cats alone. Plus, yanno, I miss the Cabbage terribly.

Since I haven’t really had access to the internet I had set my blackberry to accept any status updates from Katerina and early Monday afternoon I got a message that she’d passed away Monday morning. It was a bit unexpected since she’d been doing so well but I do know that right before someone dies the body often draws itself in and rallys and I’m so thankful that her last day was a good one.

The strange thing about being in this truck is that you completely lose touch with the world outside. Everything you need is in the truck; fridge, microwave, bed, TV and DVD player. As someone who pees every 20 minutes, both Jeff and I would be a lot happier if there were a bathroom but whatever, that’s just the way it is. And I do hate not having a mirror, leaving my hair to just do whatever it wants and not wearing any makeup. Apparantly, I’m being forcibly taught to not move away from Jeff to sleep alone on my own side of the bed, and that seems to be working – especially considering it’s impossible in a single bunk in the back of the truck. I may be permanently emotionally scarred but I’ll be a cuddler when this trip is over, dammit. We definitely need to see a doctor to deal with the scary f’in sleep apnea/loud snoring issue, though.

Being almost totally self-contained and on the road lends itself to a certain isolation and because I can’t get onto the internet to find out what’s going on with the service for Katerina, it hasn’t really sunk in and I just feel a bit numb. We stop every day or so for a shower at a truck stop and a meal or two but that doesn’t lessen the isolation. I’ve never been very good at sharing my feelings with boyfriends, maybe because I’ve never had more than one or two l really cared about, although I have all kinds of fear around that kind of shit which I’m not about to go into. It upsets Jeff that I can’t do this, except I suppose when I’ve had a bit to drink. The other day, the comment was "Would you like me to grab you a bottle of wine so you can talk about your feelings?" I laughed but, it’s true.

I’m working on it.

Merry Go Round

Wow.  So, these days I'm not even sure where I am but today is a day of rest in Calgary and, sitting in Sandy's comfy chair with the computer on my lap, I'm going to try and tell you what's been happening.

February 15 - get shiny new drivers licence.

February 24th to March 4th - Calgary. Rent a car.  Have lovely visits.

March 12 to April 7 - Australia.

May 4 to 8 - Langley, BC. Rent a car.  Smash up said rental car.  Meet my new boyfriend.  Become a Certified Animal Massage Practitioner.

May 26 - buy a car.

May 29 to now - Drive 1000 km to Calgary.

I'm broke.  I'm feeling totally discombobulated.  I'm tired of living out of a suitcase.  Sure, I've had times in between but the weeks after I got home from Aus were just a blurry blur of jet lag and terrible cold.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm so not complaining. I'm just .. done with the moving around after 4 years of doing pretty much f'all. 

I've been working on getting the business up and running, crafting website pages, working with a friend on logos and lettering.  Ignoring my finances.  Fighting with WCB and VAC, still.  I hadn't made the drive from Victoria to Calgary for a good five years and although it's normally a pretty enjoyable trip, the first 5 hours were in a torrential downpour surrounded by crazy-ass drivers.  Harrowing.  And I don't want to drive back. 

The boyfriend, he's a long distance trucker, and I've made him skip his days off so he can drive right back from Montreal, put Miles the car on his trailer and drive us back to Langley so I can head back over to the island - neatly bypassing the need for me to log the kilometres myself. 

And, THAT whole thing is just weirdness in motion to me.  I've never had someone who wants to take care of me like that and while it's lovely, it's also something very hard to get used to.  And, he calls me Princess.

Yes.  That's what I said.  Princess.

I'm currently in Calgary because the fantastic K, who's been battling non-Hodgkins lymphoma since the beginning of 2009 went into hospice last Saturday. 

All of these things are stressful - most of them are the good kind of stressful and I've had a huge amount of support from all of the people around me.

But, there's a lot of internal worry right now and I'm going to finish up here, head home, see a new specialist about my back to determine whether prolotherapy will help to get my legs working properly and try to get a couple days in of just lying on my face on the couch and renewing my soul a little in the garden before I head back to work some shifts at the hospital.

If you've actually stopped in to see what's up in here, please send soothing thoughts and general love to K - and to fishboy, as they both could use it right now.  *mwah*