From another place.....and another Jen....
Here's a little secret sort of a thing I've never told anyone, living or dead. Back when, I used to have an elaborate escape plan. I knew where I was going, how I was going to live, the phone number of a landlord in Vermont, the rental rate on a three room bungalow on a country road, ways to prevent anyone from finding me, how much cash I needed up front and where it was coming from, when the time came.
It never did.
But I still have the plan.
And now you know.
And that made me really think - what am
I doing? Why, I'm doing exactly what I want. I'm living
my escape plan.
It's important for me to remember and for you to know, though, that I am only living this life because I can see what every other one would be like. To live any other would be to refuse to make a choice - I've lived that way for a long time - and we all know that, in itself, is it's own kind of choice and so this becomes the only way I can see to go now.
The insane part of it is - I forget that I'm living my escape plan
all the time now. Because in the end, really, it's just living.
And, just like living any other way, it's full of danger and fear and joy and beauty and tears.
Any life is subject to the hurtful opinions of others, the offhanded unthoughtout remarks of the people we purport to love, the people we think we respect. It's just as full of those who make decisions about you and for you that impact you based on their skewed perception of what you have that they don't.
It is also, as much as we decide to make it be, just as full of laughter and heart-stopping moments as any other choice we make. No matter where, geographically, we are.
I think all that matters is where we are in our hearts. Whether we choose to be there all the time, or not.
So, while the reminder that I'm living my own escape plan is well-placed and well-timed (though not intended to be), I also have to admit that it's far too easy to become caught up in the world around me. That one that maybe never applied to me but applies even less now. That one that I always let color my own beliefs and darken my interior perception of just who I am.
That, and one or two other things lately, are prompting the niggling voice that insists that part of this just isn't going to
do for much longer.
Which is a good thing. But, added? right now? Makes me full to bursting.
I'm home from work today - which I feel utterly terrible about; mostly because we have so few staff members right now that one of us being sick negatively impacts everyone else. I can't say I have the
flu per se but it seems I have the
flu-shot, combined with just a general ennui stemming from the 8 million things weighing on my mind, 5 million of which need to be dealt with or accomplished RIGHT NOW.
Not the least of which is changing bank accounts to a bank that I can
actually access from where I LIVE and all the associated headaches of changing direct deposit and automated transfers to coordinate with each other. Gah, even the thought of that gives me the shudders. Imagine, just for a moment, how badly that could go.
I'm just all up in my head - planning, calculating, dodging, adapting - and the only dispatches from the 'outside' world are negative. Unhappy. Disconcerting. Sometimes, suprising, from left field, so that I think "
How could I have missed that one coming?" when really, if I'm honest, I saw it coming all along.
I can't say any of it makes me angry - because anger is something I need to apply only when absolutely warranted - I'm trying to train myself into a reasoned ability to anger - anything less will only be detrimental in the months ahead with the military. No instinctive emotional anger. Choose your battles. I get better at that every day.
And now, today? One step at a time. Rethink. Regroup. It's not a retreat, as the army may say, it is
advancing in a slightly different direction.
I need to get my licence changed over. Now.
I need to sleep. As much as it takes.
I decided yesterday that, affordability aside, I need to have someone beat these knots that keep my shoulders up by my ears since my return to Canada.
One of the things I (re)learned on my trip is that it's up to me to get the information I need - not the person I'm asking - so if one approach isn't working then another (and another) must be tried until success is achieved.
Because, it's up to me. Isn't it?
I called around for a massage place ....
me:
"Hi, is there someone there who specializes in deep-tissue massage?"
she:
"Well, we all learn the same thing and we're actually not allowed to say we specialize."
me:
"Hmm, okay, so let me try it this way - deep tissue is what I need and the last time I made an appointment I got in only to be told the therapist didn't -believe in doing things that way- and right now, that's really not going to help me one tiny bit."
she:
"ha, Well we do have two people who will do it and one who probably won't."
me:
"Great, can you make me an appointment with one of the ones that will?"
Deal with one piece of the puzzle at a time. Start with the ones that will postively impact one's ability to deal with the next. And so on. And so on.

And just then, as I typed that last sentence, the sun suddenly shone through my window, the first time I've seen it since Australia...
...only to be gone again, just as quietly, five minutes later.
would you please get our from under my skin
for I can't begin this yet
and I don't know what my intentions are
they're speaking in a different tongue
and deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
but I won't let you know
until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
and you should go
crazy as it all plays out
I think I'm lonelier than I've ever been before
'cause I was so close
to going through that door
but I don't want to be to blame for them
I don't want to be to blame