The End of Another Year

Is it a shock that I'm happy? I wondered that after I wrote that line. Partly because the realization of it the last few days shocked me a teeny little bit.

I mean, SURE, there are things that are going on and have gone on this year that suck the cosmic great big one but I've done a lot this year to move towards the goals and the plans I had set out for myself. I think that understanding is what makes the core of me a happy person, no matter what kind of day the outside Jen is having.

There are some obvious ones, of course - and let's change to point form on these babies so we can look at both the positive and negative....

+I survived another year - which with me, seriously, is something that cannot be factored in with any certainty
-Flip side? Despite my seemingly best efforts to NOT. Serious car accident. Arrest. Basic training. A few months of self-destructive behaviour.

-I seem to have survived said year without much visible signs of aging.
+Flip side? I feel like I'm fucking 90.

+I made it through basic training - a 37 year old couch potato who's level of prep was....almost nil.
+ONE AND A HALF TIMES.
-Flip side? Four months later? I STILL feel like I'm fucking 90.

-My brother lost my cat.
+I found my cat. And a lifelong babysitter to boot.

-I've missed a ton of (unpaid) work.
+Four days of that unpaid work, at least, led to a lumbar puncture that ruled out pretty much anything really bad being the cause of me feeling like I'm 90.
-Two words. "Lumbar puncture" (or, if you prefer, "spinal tap").

In a general sense, I have one of the best jobs in the world. Not because, yanno, I LOVE IT, but because (when I'm not being forced to take unpaid time off work when it is decidely financially unadvisable to do so due to feeling like I'm fucking 90), I only have to work when a) I feel like it, b) I look at my budget and figure out I need to c) I want to.

For the most part, as well, it's a job that I enjoy.

Eventually, I know, we'll figure out what's wrong with me and how to fix it. In this I trust even though the path to get there feels sometimes far too long, frustrating and painful.

After two years of living in places I pretty much hated - I'm in one that I love.

I have positioned myself into a nice sort of laid back lifestyle, that (except for a few hiccups here and there) is one that I can continue indefinitely which jigsaws nicely into the military thing and by extension - the travel plans.

Yeah, I admit that there are things that still need to be addressed but this year I've made inroads there as well. I've learnt new things about myself. I've found new personality traits (and not bad ones, for once!). I've learned all kinds of interesting stuff about how far one can push oneself and how pride in myself is WAAAY more satisfying that anyone else's pride in me (although that's not so bad, either).

It'd be nice to not be alone - I live kind of a lonely life. Partly by choice, I guess. Although, I did learn that I was willing to give a man more of a chance than I ever had before, that I was willing to actually work through roadblocks. Even if that particular man turned out to be far too exhausting in the end.

Financially, I rock. The condo is worth 3x what it was when I bought it five years ago. I have a ton of tax write-off's as a 'landlord'. My credit rocks. When I need more money - I work more. It's consistently solid and that, my friends, is a long time coming and has been a long hard road to travel.

As always, the friends I've made and the friends who, despite all odds, continue to love me.

I could go on. But I won't. I think you get the point.

When I moved back to the island two years ago I had plenty of plans. Two years later, those grand plans are intact and alive and, although they've been pushed back and around a little bit, I've managed to fulfill small bits of them and each change has served only to inch me closer to the perfect perch from which to leap...

...when it comes time to fly.

Happy 2007, everyone.

My sun/rising sign basic horoscopes for 2007.

CANCER

The biggest challenge in 2007 is to cast off a past full of unfulfilled potential. Your greatest opportunities lie ahead and, as they come, you can create a new way of being. It may not feel that way now, but radical change will come in just a few months. You are growing in every positive way; your capacity for being a force for good is expanding. Your ability to generate wealth is increasing. But for the time being, issues linger from 2006. A drama is unfolding and you are at its centre. You can't avoid the responsibility but this is not as onerous as it sounds. Before long, you'll be full of confidence and poise. Focus on doing what feels right and on fulfilling the heartfelt commitments you have recently made, and all will evolve perfectly. Obligations, duties and responsibilities have held you back. Now, claim from life what you've always dreamed of having – namely, the right to control your destiny.


LEO

You'll feel the release of great passion and energy in 2007 as Saturn moves out of your sign for the next 29 years. You'll have the sense that there is nothing you cannot accomplish if you put your mind to it, and you're probably right. Many Leos were worried when Saturn's stern influence entered their sign in July 2005 but, in reality, this should have been a constructive period of development. It's hard work digging out and laying the foundations for your security, but the fun part is coming – now that Jupiter is in a fellow fire sign all year. After a long period of just managing to survive, you can progress toward the realization of your dreams. Whatever you have begun, you have done so under good celestial auspices. Continue with the determination for which you are famous and life will bring bounteous rewards for a long time to come.

Our Little Secrets

I'm sure there mustn't be anyone left in the internet 'world' who doesn't read PostSecret at this point.... but this one today just totally made my day.

Encouragement Pre-Post 2 - The Things I Take With Me.

The two new t-shirts I bought...



Heh, this one's fuzzy.

Fallback Position - Creepy Horoscopes

For today.....

Cancer
In just a few days, you will be armed with valuable insight and fired up by a new determination to assert your rights. Mars is beaming power at you. You will stride out boldly and start to alter a few simple factors that will make a world of difference.

Leo
Forget what happened. Forget what you thought, felt or feared. Erase it. Eradicate it. Something good is happening now, so don't spoil things by bringing the past to life. History will not repeat itself. You have learned your lesson.

(if you're wondering why I always put the two - My sun sign is the crab and my rising sign is the lion.)

Three more days

Yogi Tea

After a couple of weeks of intense emotional activity in Jen's world, things came to a head and disintegrated completely in a suprisingly quiet way late last night.

After spending the day today with my insides knotted up in sadness, self-doubt and worry I went to see my rocking aromatherapy woman for an Indian Head Massage.

I came out clear-headed, much less grief-stricken, free of self-doubt and with all my knots replaced by a sense of balance and calm.

I came out with the conviction that being able to put some of my personal hard-learned lessons in this life into practice may have been a difficult and painful thing to do but was undoubtedly the right thing to do.

That the boundaries I have been practicing in theory could actually survive the light of day intact.

My practioner provides tea called Yogi Tea, which comes with a little 'fortune'.

Mental expansion is found in the inspiration we give to each other.

A Moment. For Two Short Horoscopes.

Today.

Cancer

The sky suggests that you are now in the process of submerging yourself in a new element. Some people like to ease themselves gently into a lake. Others prefer to take a plunge. Either way, you will emerge with a result to be proud of.

Leo

To make a success of a key enterprise or activity now, you may need to draw on every ounce of your strength, patience and faith. The best things in life are worth striving for. And you really are about to be treated to the very best.

Not What You'd Expect

There's been a lot on my mind lately. Looming military commitments,too much work, too exhausted for play, a mortgage renewal and some financial freedom stalled by an appraisal, petty and toxic politics in the workplace that so far I've managed to stay above (tensions are indicating tidal waves aforming on the horizon), a friend who needs some emotional support and, in the midst of it all, a boy I've seen every day for 8 months who caught me totally off guard.

I'm plagued by bad dreams lately - an apartment floor covered in silverfish, a sudden attack by red foxes, others faded now by daylight but consistent in the uneasiness they cause.

This morning I stayed in bed far past when I should have and then spent two hours guest blogging, then losing said guest blog, then yelling mean things at the computer.

I'm drained. I'm in serious need of some nicotine and a cat that doesn't get me up at 6 am every day.

By the time I got to work this afternoon at 2:30, I could feel my face twisted up in directionless anger and non-existent patience.

Getting in behind my desk, logging the system on and sitting down with my entire shift in front of me was only making it worse.

A patient walks up to the desk, a pretty ill 83 year old former doctor, who'd just dealt with the last receptionist and he cocks his head, looks at me and says...."You've changed, my dear. You've lost weight. You've gotten a haircut. It's enchanting."

It turns out that he needed a CD burnt of the 'films' he'd just had done and so I asked him if he'd like to wait or go for a coffee while I took care of that for him.

He paused as if to think, smiled at me and said, "I think I'll just go sit in the waiting room and contemplate your beauty."

When he left, CD in hand, he shook my hand and reached over to kiss me on the cheek.

Ten minutes later someone asked me if I was having a good day and I said, without thinking, "It's good. Now that I'm here."

I went for my first break and when I got back, the CT techs wailed that I had to tell them when I went away because all hell breaks loose when I'm gone and they need to prepare for whoever is filling in for me on my break.

Later, my MC told me I didn't have to be back on the base until March 22.

It's been the busiest night I think I've ever had on this shift, there was no slow-down near the end as usual, which is good because it's kept my mind off everything.

It even gave me the answer to finding the lost post.