The End of Another Year

Is it a shock that I'm happy? I wondered that after I wrote that line. Partly because the realization of it the last few days shocked me a teeny little bit.

I mean, SURE, there are things that are going on and have gone on this year that suck the cosmic great big one but I've done a lot this year to move towards the goals and the plans I had set out for myself. I think that understanding is what makes the core of me a happy person, no matter what kind of day the outside Jen is having.

There are some obvious ones, of course - and let's change to point form on these babies so we can look at both the positive and negative....

+I survived another year - which with me, seriously, is something that cannot be factored in with any certainty
-Flip side? Despite my seemingly best efforts to NOT. Serious car accident. Arrest. Basic training. A few months of self-destructive behaviour.

-I seem to have survived said year without much visible signs of aging.
+Flip side? I feel like I'm fucking 90.

+I made it through basic training - a 37 year old couch potato who's level of prep was....almost nil.
+ONE AND A HALF TIMES.
-Flip side? Four months later? I STILL feel like I'm fucking 90.

-My brother lost my cat.
+I found my cat. And a lifelong babysitter to boot.

-I've missed a ton of (unpaid) work.
+Four days of that unpaid work, at least, led to a lumbar puncture that ruled out pretty much anything really bad being the cause of me feeling like I'm 90.
-Two words. "Lumbar puncture" (or, if you prefer, "spinal tap").

In a general sense, I have one of the best jobs in the world. Not because, yanno, I LOVE IT, but because (when I'm not being forced to take unpaid time off work when it is decidely financially unadvisable to do so due to feeling like I'm fucking 90), I only have to work when a) I feel like it, b) I look at my budget and figure out I need to c) I want to.

For the most part, as well, it's a job that I enjoy.

Eventually, I know, we'll figure out what's wrong with me and how to fix it. In this I trust even though the path to get there feels sometimes far too long, frustrating and painful.

After two years of living in places I pretty much hated - I'm in one that I love.

I have positioned myself into a nice sort of laid back lifestyle, that (except for a few hiccups here and there) is one that I can continue indefinitely which jigsaws nicely into the military thing and by extension - the travel plans.

Yeah, I admit that there are things that still need to be addressed but this year I've made inroads there as well. I've learnt new things about myself. I've found new personality traits (and not bad ones, for once!). I've learned all kinds of interesting stuff about how far one can push oneself and how pride in myself is WAAAY more satisfying that anyone else's pride in me (although that's not so bad, either).

It'd be nice to not be alone - I live kind of a lonely life. Partly by choice, I guess. Although, I did learn that I was willing to give a man more of a chance than I ever had before, that I was willing to actually work through roadblocks. Even if that particular man turned out to be far too exhausting in the end.

Financially, I rock. The condo is worth 3x what it was when I bought it five years ago. I have a ton of tax write-off's as a 'landlord'. My credit rocks. When I need more money - I work more. It's consistently solid and that, my friends, is a long time coming and has been a long hard road to travel.

As always, the friends I've made and the friends who, despite all odds, continue to love me.

I could go on. But I won't. I think you get the point.

When I moved back to the island two years ago I had plenty of plans. Two years later, those grand plans are intact and alive and, although they've been pushed back and around a little bit, I've managed to fulfill small bits of them and each change has served only to inch me closer to the perfect perch from which to leap...

...when it comes time to fly.

Happy 2007, everyone.

My sun/rising sign basic horoscopes for 2007.

CANCER

The biggest challenge in 2007 is to cast off a past full of unfulfilled potential. Your greatest opportunities lie ahead and, as they come, you can create a new way of being. It may not feel that way now, but radical change will come in just a few months. You are growing in every positive way; your capacity for being a force for good is expanding. Your ability to generate wealth is increasing. But for the time being, issues linger from 2006. A drama is unfolding and you are at its centre. You can't avoid the responsibility but this is not as onerous as it sounds. Before long, you'll be full of confidence and poise. Focus on doing what feels right and on fulfilling the heartfelt commitments you have recently made, and all will evolve perfectly. Obligations, duties and responsibilities have held you back. Now, claim from life what you've always dreamed of having – namely, the right to control your destiny.


LEO

You'll feel the release of great passion and energy in 2007 as Saturn moves out of your sign for the next 29 years. You'll have the sense that there is nothing you cannot accomplish if you put your mind to it, and you're probably right. Many Leos were worried when Saturn's stern influence entered their sign in July 2005 but, in reality, this should have been a constructive period of development. It's hard work digging out and laying the foundations for your security, but the fun part is coming – now that Jupiter is in a fellow fire sign all year. After a long period of just managing to survive, you can progress toward the realization of your dreams. Whatever you have begun, you have done so under good celestial auspices. Continue with the determination for which you are famous and life will bring bounteous rewards for a long time to come.

You Don't Know if You're Healed - Until You Try.

I got home yesterday at 3:30. After two hours of sleep since friday, I figured "What the hell!", had a bath, sat outside for a little while on the porch and went to bed at 5 pm.

I woke up at 1 am, having to pee.

I went to get up and couldn't. Absolutely every muscle in my body refused to work. So I rolled slowly slowly over and out of the covers. Then I fell asleep and rested after my mini-ordeal until the cold woke me up again.

Drank a ton of juice to counteract the dehydration, took some advil and extra-strength tylenol and went back to bed.

It's close to 10 am now and after a hot shower and some bergamot tea I am walking like... well....

imagine this... a 90 year old with two hip replacements. Then imagine taking away their walker. That shuffle where they move their legs by swinging their hips with the arms hanging straight down cause they don't have the strength to lift them unless it's onto something to lean on? Bingo. That's me.

Luckily, I have 4 hours to lay here and contemplate how to get to my massage.

This weekend, I ran the obstacle (confidence) course. The first time without gear. The second time with 40 lbs of gear, helmet and rifle. The second time, every time I landed my legs gave out. By the time I got halfway along to the rope tower I was getting the feeling that supporting my entire body weight with only my tendon damaged arms wasn't going to work much longer. I gave the tower a shot and .... stopped there.

The leg itself wasn't hurting at that point but given that it was giving out, we decided I would just assess as I went along and do what I could.

Then, came the rappel. 75 feet down a mountainside. There was no way I was missing that, I tell ya. The problem isn't the rappel - it's dragging yourself back up the nearly vertical side path by a knotted rope. The second rappel was with gear, so I skipped that one but continued on with the third one (with gear) since we were just carrying on with a defense through the woods and not climbing back up.

The leg was starting to hurt by the end of the day but I decided to push through the night exercise as much as I could. The only bit I didn't do was the rappel. Which I'm totally disappointed about. A night rappel in the pitch black down a mountain in the driving rain? So cool.

I didn't do that part due to the fact that we'd be slogging a kilometre through the woods in the dark after and any missteps could be pretty serious for me.

Except for that and the obstacle course challenge the next morning, I did everything else this weekend. I'm pretty damn proud of myself.

At one point in the first obstacle course - the 12 foot tower that you get down from by using a knotted rope - I didn't have enough hand strength left to stop/slow my progress and slammed my way down by right kneecap.

Today, neither leg works. My kneecap is twice the size of the other. But we did all this in the rain and I'm not feeling the flu so that's a bonus.

So, not fully healed yet but apart from sore muscles and tons of bruises (which everyone else had too), this old woman made a pretty fine showing this weekend, especially since I've done nothing but rest for two months while any fitness I had slowly drained away. :)

The lesson here is that I can do it and do it fairly well, even running less than peak. And next year? The goal is to be a full-on member of the 'A'team that runs the course fast enough to beat the rest of the units instead of one of the one's watching.

That was my unit, by the way. Our ten 'man' team ran the course one minute and 27 seconds faster than the next closest. Even our 'B' team (ie: the slower/older/management guys) ran the course faster than one of the 'A' teams. The Commander's Challenge (to win 'right of line' - will explain that another time) consisted of a bunch of things - including pulling one of the big trucks around a track. We took the trophy home again this year.

I'm going to lay down now and contemplate how excellent I am for a couple hours.

Immense Journey - Freedom And The Choices We Make

---

The little fellow had saved his mate by diverting me, and that was that. He was born to it, and made no outcry now, resting in my hand hopelessly, but peering toward me in the shadows behind the lamp with a fierce, almost indifferent glance. He neither gave nor expected mercy and something out of the high air passed from him to me, stirring a faint embarrassment.

In the morning that bird would be just another episode. He would go back .. in the truck to a small cage in a city where he would spend the rest of his life.

In the morning, with the change that comes on suddenly in that high country, the mist that had hovered below us in the valley was gone. The sky was a deep blue, and one could see for miles over the high outcropppings of stone. I was up early and brought the box in which the little hawk was imprisioned out onto the grass where I was building a cage. A wind as cool as a mountain spring ran over the grass and stirred my hair. It was a fine day to be alive. I looked up and all around and at the hole in the cabin roof out of which the other little hawk had fled. Thre was no sign of her that I could see.

"Probably in the next county by now," I thought cynically, but before beginning to work I decided I'd have a look at my last night's capture.

I got him right out in my hand with his wings folded properly and I was careful not to startle him. He lay limp in my grasp and I could feel his heart pound under the feathers but he only looked beyond me and up.

I saw him look that last look away beyond me into a sky so full of light that I could not follow his gaze. The little breeze flowed over me again, and nearby a mountain aspen shook its tiny leaves. I suppose I must have had an idea then of what I was going to do, but I never let it come up into consciousness. I just reached over and laid the hawk on the grass.

He lay there a long minute without hope, unmoving, his eyes still fixed on that blue vault above him. It must have been that he was already so far away in his heart that he never felt the release of my hand. He never even stood. He just lay with his breast against the grass.

In the next second after that long minute he was gone. Like a flicker of light, he had vanished with my eyes full on him, but without actually seeing even a premonitory wing beat. He was gone straight into that towering emptiness of light and crystal that my eyes could scarcely bear to penetrate. For another long moment there was silence. I could not see him. The light was too intense. Then from far up somewhere a cry came ringing down.

I was young then and had seen little of the world, but when I heard that cry my heart turned over. It was not the cry of the hawk I had captured; for by shifting my position against the sun, I was now seeing further up. Straight out of the sun's eye, where she must have been soaring restlessly above us for untold hours, hurtled his mate.

And from far up, ringing from peak to peak of the summits over us, came a cry of such unutterable and ecstatic joy that it sounds down across the years and tingles among the cups on my quiet breakfast table.

Loren Eisely
Immense Journey

---

Two more days

Other Peoples Horoscopes Are Annoying As Hell....

...but for me there's a golden time every year when either they are dead on or they are just close enough to give me enough hope that they are dead on.

Sometimes, that hope is something bigger than priceless.

Cancer
Eggs, flour and sugar are easily recognizable items. Mix them together with a few alchemical incantations and they are transformed, as if by magic, into a cake. In the same way, you are now creating something extraordinary in your life out of very simple ingredients.

Leo
If you've ever camped out under the stars you know that the coldest hour is just before dawn. And in a similar way, life, too, has to hit rock bottom before it starts getting better. You are now on the cusp of the dawning of a new age of fulfilment and happiness.

Horoscopes Over the Last Few Days. Of No Particular Interest, Except to Me.

Beginning earlier in the week. Ending today.

Cancer
An unforeseen event has scuppered a key plan, but as Shakespeare very wisely wrote, "the fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves." You're blaming external circumstances when you should be modifying your attitude.

Leo
With a little faith and imagination, there is no telling what you are capable of accomplishing. There is a compelling case for engineering a vital change right where it matter most. There are good things to be had. Believe in the miraculous.

Leo
You seem to always take the tough route even when better routes are available. But in a certain current endeavour, you'll find that the revolution you seek will prove easier than expected. Your hard work and diligence will pay off.

Cancer
Forget, for now, a certain problematic situation that is occupying a prime place in your life. Worrying about what might happen won't make it any better, so take a break and enjoy this weekend. It has the potential to bring much levity.

Leo
Certain inevitable repercussions of a recent decision have brought more trouble than you anticipated. It won't be long, though, before you realize you actually like a lot of what is now changing so rapidly in your life.

Cancer
When given an inch, some people will inevitably take a mile. It's all in the cause of self-aggrandizement. It doesn't mean, though, that you should lower your standards and do the same. You are an exemplar of integrity and grace. Stay that way.

Leo
Many people go to great lengths to ensure that they stand out from the crowd. Some adopt unusual ways of behaving or nurture strange idiosyncratic interests. For you, success springs from the depth and sincerity of your true self.

And an April monthly one.

You may be interested in a new emerging industry, something related to strenuous athletics, or even defense / security or the military.

Once Mars enters Cancer for the first time in two years, you will be poised to begin a whole new chapter, one that will allow you a terrific advantage to get things as you want them to be. You'll be lit into action, for Mars will bestow you with a powerful sense of purpose. If in the past you were influenced or swayed by other people's opinions, this month you'll seem not to care what anyone thinks. It's time to grab life with both hands, dear Cancer.

Sixteen more days.

I Guess That's Just What You Get When It's Me You're Dealing With

Oh man, I spent $11,000 in FIVE MINUTES yesterday.

After just staring at the bank balance for a good ten minutes or so I went back to being responsible.

Damn, I hate that.

Anyways, whichever boy it was that I ended up with isn't liking the internet thing and I don't think that it'll be... how do I say this without it sounding really horrible and not like I mean it to? .... as life-altering as Matt. There, that'll have to do. Ergo, I won't be talking about what's going on there. Ever.

But I still need to find a way to be able to mention him without mentioning him because in the course of one's life, one refers to other people who are incidentally a part of one's life. I've decided that on a go-forward basis he will be known as 'unspecified guy'.

Or UG, if you prefer.

(ha, take that)

Yesterday at work I went out to take some pictures of the hospital for UG. They start here if you'd like to look at them all but below is my favorite, taken from the roof of the parkade.



And this one is from the back deck today just after it finished raining at the UG's rented house. I've already fallen out of that freaking hammock about 5 times, it's not very forgiving. There's a honking hot-tub over in a little alcove on the left. I won't bore you with the description of the sauna, the multiple decks, the four/five? bedrooms or the rest of the house, which is utterly beautiful. You really should go look at the picture full-size though for the best effect.

Call of The Wild

(David - you probably wouldn't - she's a Canadian girl. :) Very good though.)

Just a few moments ago, my new mortgager (?is that a word) deposited the portion of the equity I took out with this renewal. After almost seven weeks of delays, mistakes and major stress suckitude.

I have never had $20,000 in my bank account. I probably never will again.

The money will pay out my loan, credit cards, condo fees and property taxes. Not to mention the money I've owed my mom since I moved here and the nasty $3,000 I have to pay for the new elevators 'back at the ranch'.

It will also pay for a badly needed spa-week for Ms. Betsy LaRue.

..and of course, the trip to Mexico.

It will lower the payments I make over a month by roughly $700. Which will remove any financial stress I may encounter whilst getting the shit kicked out of me in basic training and being paid FAR LESS for the privilege.

There is, however, a very childish and (still) large part of me that wants to take it all out of the bank and roll around in it for a while, before tossing every single adult responsibility I have into the wind and buying myself a large portion of all the things I've always wanted.

Just. Breathe.

there's a light at each end of this tunnel
you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
and these mistakes you've made
you'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around