I Think I Love....

this man simply because of the link to this man.

Just for a moment, Halle Berry is just as tired looking as the rest of us. (wave the cursor over the pic).

One or two or three of the more dramatic ones.

Erm, is he, yanno, reasonable?

and if I am a sailor,
then you are the warm gulf wind,
and you've blown into this little port
and roused my dreams again

Beautiful & Heartbreaking

From Post Secret

"I have made six postcards, all with secrets that I was afraid to tell the one person
I tell everything to, my boyfriend. This morning I planned to mail them, but instead I left them on the pillow next to his head while he was sleeping.

10 minutes ago he arrived at my office and asked me to marry him. I said yes."

-Canada

People Never Believe I'm Really That Blonde and That I Always Have Been. Until It Begins Again.

Jogging down the driveway at the beginning of my run I notice, well, a cow in the middle of the driveway. Kind of hard not to, really.

Being as Stef & Cam were out for the day, it was up to me to devise a way of finagaling the stinky girl back into a pen.

...thinking in the back of my mind that those two guys standing at the tenant's place TEN FEET AWAY from the cow could have been a little more helpful.

One of them gets in a truck as I'm staring down the cow from the 'safe' side of the fence and rolls to a stop beside me saying, "Is that Jenny?"

Of course I have no idea who he is (other than knowing only people from high school call me JENNY) until he tells me and then, suddenly, it makes sense and his 'new' face clicks into place over the one I last saw over 20 years ago.

  
*click to biggify*

Yes, that IS a jean vest over a concert t-shirt. This is the early 80's remember.

Anyways, he was two years older than me and one of the school hotties / cool guys. Now a mountain biker (ARG!) and seemingly one of the few from high school that the years have been kind to.

Oh, so very kind.

We talked about 20 minutes and he's asked me to call him next weekend so we can go out. I might even do it.

Just before he drove away, I said, "Hey Steve, how'd you recognize me so fast after all these years?"

He laughed. "It's the hair, Jenny, it's the hair."


*click to biggify*

I've Got a Crush On You

An orange crush, that is.

On my head.

It's just that after two hours of bleach and with another 45 minutes of dye ahead, I was too sick of my own hair to bother getting the rest of the brown/red out.

Besides, I tell myself that I can carry it off - it's been worse colors. YJ, remember the shining white beacon of the last time I went back to my own color at AQ?

Oh, and tomorrow, I'm going to test a new photo site out so I've been getting pictures together for the comparison of the before-and-after-accident-Jen to post, which has involved trying to find some side-on shots.

Most of the ones that exist were taken with Lacey. I think you already know, YJ, how much those pictures mean to me - but every time I put that CD in - they mean even more. I can't ever thank you enough.


*click to biggify*
Sometimes I wonder, when I've got photoshop, why I don't take the extra five minutes to erase the pimples. *sheesh*

let the bass from the speakers run through ya sneakers

This Is Not the Resemblance You're Looking For

My little sister, home for 6 days and a family dinner before leaving for her first year at the Royal Military College of Canada.

The best line of the night? ...

"I may not have dessert but I think I may just gum down another beer."

A 36 year old, an 18 year old and an 11 year old and ohmygod, dilution of the strain galore! But, although I was once accused of being someone else's child - shock me by telling me you don't see it. Even facial trauma and a bit of rebuilding can't change who you are...

(and yes, it's current. It's about 9 weeks after surgery so far and my face is still swollen and really sore but here's the funny/good thing - people don't remember what you looked like before and so from straight on I'm not different enough for occasional people to notice. The biggest changes I notice since the accident really are in what my face looks like and how I see myself - to ME it's very different. From any other angle than this one the changes are more noticeable. It's just all very weird.)..

Anyways, I just can't get the fuck away from looking like a goddman **** and having ears big enough to keep us all cool during a heat wave. She and I have the same blue eyes which you'd see if I wasn't such a squinty chick - must be inherited from another 'side' of the family. ha.


*click to biggify*
And, number two - - just cause I like it. He was trying for a mean face but either it didn't come through very well or I missed it. It's like Elmer Fudd trying to look mean, anyways, but it was funny.


*click to biggify*

have I been blind?
have I been lost?
have I been wrong?
have I been wise?
have I been strong?
have I been hypnotized, mesmerized
by what my eyes have found?
in that great street carnival, in that carnival?

One Step Back and Three Fresh Perspectives

First, I'm going to witter on for quite a while before I get through the Jen day to day updatey stuff so feel free to skip ahead past the dividing line if you're sick of, you know, Jen updatey stuff.

I haven't had the time to change the site but it's been annoying me so we're literally taking one step back in here to soothing colors while I am metaphorically taking one step back in real life. I haven't had time to 'write' as well and lately, I've been feeling a need to, feeling rusty and slow - so the redesign may have to move down the list.

Second, as James politely commented this morning ...you're sounding a little scattered, maybe even slightly (ever so slightly) frantic in your journal, lately.. And although I promise that I will write you back (YJ) on my four days off - I no longer have access to the 'net from work and email just isn't private anymore. So, yanno, but I can give you a bit of an answer here - because you made me sit and think about it.

There's been SO much happening the last few weeks. For the most part it's not bad stuff except the way I deal with other people's issues but I'm not stressed. I am, however, exhausted, not sleeping well, running around doing 800 things at once, learning a new job of which I'm now working a 6 day rotation, supporting my old job, worrying about the trip and making and remaking and one-more-time making budgets and projections while this damn Island makes me knees ache and ache and my nose run and run. Speaking of which, my face still hurts a bit, which is weird and disconcerting.

So, you're right I AM scattered and even a bit frantic. Taking things 'out there' too personally or letting them stay on my mind for too long. I realized last week that there wasn't any point in going out and buying cheap shit for this preliminary trip because if it serves well, then I'll have to buy a better version later so I've been scrambling a bit to get relatively inexpensive / reasonable but still good quality items.

There's a f'instance here - last week I went to the TWO whole sporting goods stores here and tried on some North Face convertible pants - $129.00 plus that NASTY 14.5% tax. Sad. So, I did what any sane human would do - I went online.

And never got back off. For eight days I've been at work or on the net. And that's it.

I found the same NF pants in the US for $65 + $25 shipping which even with the exchange rate is still a better deal ($90 CDN). But still..... From there I hit all the different suppliers websites of convertible pants to extrapolate sizes (cause it so sucks to buy pants unseen and then the fit is terrible) even though I was still taking a big chance they would anyways. Then, I hit ebay for a couple days with no luck. Then, when I felt like I was going to start just bidding on the wrong sizes I bought a pair online from MEC for $59.00.

Which came today, by the way, along with an under-clothing travel wallet, a stuff sack and my MP3 player. And it's all perfect. Everything I've ordered and gotten so far is perfect. (knocking wood)

I've also spent the last four days looking for a laptop. I got close a few times... but, in the end, no cigar. I fell in love with an inappropriately beautiful Toshiba Portege 7010 but stopped myself when the bidding would have put my total price over $350 CDN.

I wanted to keep going it was so wonderful and pret-ty and perfect but even at 4.1 lbs, it's just not worth it because I know in my heart it's going to get stolen at some point. It's the admittance of my obliviousness and the amount of trust I place in people I don't know. I've also been trying very hard to buy what I need and no more. I don't need a 4.0 megapixel camera when 3.2 will do. I don't need a 20 GB iPod when a 512mb generic will do. I don't need a CD drive at all when a USB storage device will do everything I need. It's been the research and working out the barebones of what I actually need and then getting it for the lowest cost that's been where my time has gone. You following me here?

Some of you may remember that at the beginning of all this I'd talked about using a Blackberry or PDA because all I really need is some form of word processing and in my travels over the last few days I came across the NEC MobilePro It weighs 1.7 lbs and it will do exactly what I need - heaven!

After two bidding wars with some guy - one went to $120 US and this last one I had to forcibly stop myself at $165 (the shipping was a further $55 US) - I almost gave up but went back with a different search query and found a few more. I ended up taking the buy-it-now option on TWO refurbs for $89 each and got them shipped for a total of $211 US. Fuck the bidding, I've had enough and I'll not be getting them much cheaper than what I just paid for another week of sweating it out.

It's confusing, that flipping back and forth between currencies, innit?

ANYWAY, I now own everything I wanted to own for the trip (except the pack and some more convertible pants and a few other things so say $700 more bucks next year). In the end, over the last few days I've managed to fully outfit this trip and most of the next for LESS THAN $1000 CDN.

Not bad, when I'd budgeted $2500.

I'm feeling a bit more settled and comfortable at work - even though I start to learn a new job in a new department on Sept 1. I'm learning 3 different jobs at each of two different hospitals over the next month so that learning curve'll wax and wane for a while.

So, yeah, feeling better, a little more serene. Eventually I'll be too tired to NOT get a good night's sleep and there's just a few little things that need to be taken care of over the next week or so and then I should be all ready but the packing!

---

Perspective One: It's Always There. You Just Have to Keep Looking.

Last weekend I weighed down my little backpack to build some resistance and hiked through our back trail down to Witty's Lagoon.

I settled myself in the lee of some driftwood and dug my feet down into the sand to read my book and watch the tide continue its way out.

When I'd first come onto the beach I'd noticed an older man walking along the edge of the water away from me while his little cocker spaniel paced parallel about 15 feet out in the shallow water. I looked up occasionally to see them pace each other back and forth on the same short stretch - the dog intent on something in the water, head never lifting as he searched and ducked while the man stopped occasionally to call out to him or just to watch. It must have been about 15 minutes before I realized that the dog had no plans to come out and that the man wasn't wearing shoes he could go in the water with.

Picking up my sandals I walked down the beach towards him and when I got close enough I called out that I'd thought I'd see if he wanted me to go into the water and fetch his little dog back for him.

Turns out they'd travelled through the US for a couple of years in an RV and somewhere in a little stream-fed pool in Utah our little furry friend happened upon some interesting new fishy friends he couldn't quite catch as they played around him.

He is however, convinced that they're waiting for him in every body of water he sees. He's sure that if he just jumps right in and keeps a sharp eye out, that someday he'll find them again.


Perspective Two: A Quick Wit and A Smile. Always.

The woman pushes her mother's wheelchair away from the front desk towards nuclear medicine for yet another uncomfortable and pointless test, narrowly avoiding a man turning from the second desk as we all suck in our breaths in anticipation....

"Whoops," he says, "almost landed in your lap there."

"Well right now I'm busy handsome, but maybe later I'll come back for you." immediately chirps a strong, clear voice.

Laughing, I look down at the record still up on the computer. She's 90. And giggling all the way down the hall.


Perspective Three: Moving Through the Terror, Alone With Strangers

The young woman stands alone at my desk and hands over her requisition. While she quietly confirms her address for me in halting english, I look down to see that she is here for an ultrasound.

The doctor's been unable to find her baby's heartbeat.

Unobtrusive, head down, with no one to hold her hand and a grasp on the situation in a strange language that can only be utterly terrifying - she heads down the hall.

20 minutes later, still quiet, still unobtrusive, she pauses in front of the desk, waits for me to look up and smiles shyly as she waves the ultrasound pictures, answering unspoken questions and allaying the sudden sharp fears we shared only briefly.

---

The thing is - every day, each of us is blessed - by our own lives or by the lives of others. Those three encounters made my life a little bit more of a different place and yet, so much of the time - I forget they're all around me. No matter where I've been, where I am or where I'm going.

Deeeeep Breath

Today I went into work for 6:15 - my 4th day - training - and no one showed up.

Well, except me.

Until 7:30. Cause they forgot they had to work. In a hospital.

Sooo, nice start to my day after 4 hours of sleep and getting up at 5 am.

I managed okay but things went from bad to worse and I screwed up pretty much every single thing I touched. I mean, I could care less about the paperwork and 'training issues' they have - I'm more about feeling bad cause I'm holding up that lady who I'm pretty sure is, you know, dying.

Then I got an email saying that the computer I wanted was already gone.

Then I got a copy of an email reference that went to the temps and said very nice things -

So, that was nice because I am feeling anything BUT today. I actually felt nurtured. The DB rocks.

Then Heather emailed to tell me someone in the building in Calgary died. But she didn't know who. But there was a body bag and it was very creepy.

I finished work and had to go into my old job to fix up a mess some "expert" made to my Outlook rules. Which sucked because it was 45 minutes added to my commute.

But, I got some of my new stuff! = my books! my soap! And my new underwear!

I had made arrangements for my brother to take the cat while I was gone, what? two weeks ago? He left a message today saying they'd got their own cat and couldn't take care of mine anymore. Nice.

And to top it all off with a nice little cherry? I walked out at lunch and who was standing at the counter? My high school sweetheart. Since he thought I'd already gone (and his friends didn't tell him I lived here) he had a bit of a nasty shock. It's so strange that all these years later, that old hurt and longing comes shining through in every sentence, isn't it?

I don't have enough energy to even go there except to say, Sal's right, I am Scott's Matt. By the time I grew up, it was too late. For both of us.

I'd like to get off the goddamned roller coaster now.

But instead, I am going to take a deep breath, climb up on my roof and install the new 'lid' since it's so gonna rain tonight, read a book, admire my 'present / souvenir' from Papohaku Beach on Molokai and post something I drag out periodically that I wrote to remind me ... well, just to remind me.

I Believe I still believe in the resilience of the human heart and the essential value of love
I believe that connections between people can be made in a moment
And that the spirits which inhabit us sometimes touch
I still believe that the value received far outweighs the price that must be paid

I still believe in faeries and werewolves and things that go bump in the night
I believe that monsters can come home grinning behind the face of someone you
  love
For I understand that the monster lives within us
But I still believe that living in fear of what is within us is not living at all

I still believe that I can change the world
I believe that the world can change me and that may not be a bad thing
If only I'm willing to see which is the best way to go
But I still believe that all the choices are mine, alone

I still believe that gentleness, kindness and respect will endure, if we only let it
I believe that I can make or destroy someone else's day
Because the choice to put aside what I'm feeling for a moment is mine
And I still believe that we can only benefit by making the effort to do so

I still believe that solitude is valid
I believe that self-reflection is an imperative
That it's okay to look back and try to understand, as long as you don't stare
I still believe that looking back is as important as looking forward

I still believe in you
And I still believe in me


Feb 28/04